So I'm stepping outside the boat by starting a ministry. It will be in honor of Yeshua and will minister to all including the GLBTQI community. I've been wanting to do this for awhile but have held back due to lack of knowledge and quite frankly because I was scared.
Enough of that. Life is honestly way too short. I have to move now and not later. So one of my first steps will be to start a NEW blog dedicated only to my new ministry. I want this ministry to honor Yeshua and Yeshua alone and I want to be guided only by Him.
This post will be short as I have much to do to start this new blog, including posting my first post. This does not mean I will not be posting here again. Actually I want to keep this post for my personal life seeing as how I have posts going back several years.
If you want to know more about my new ministry please let me know in the comments. Also give this a like if you want.
Much love to you all who take the time to read my posts. You are the best!
Kenny
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Post Before Sleep
Silence is fluid
Filling every empty space
With light and joy
Or darkness when hope has
Been released per pity
Thunder echoes lightning flashes
Seconds stretch into tears
As the young become old
Filling every empty space
With light and joy
Or darkness when hope has
Been released per pity
Thunder echoes lightning flashes
Seconds stretch into tears
As the young become old
Monday, February 8, 2016
2016
Just like the title says it's 2016.
It was a few days ago when I realized that I had yet again been neglecting my blog. So here I am trying to play catch up again.
I'm actually pretty tired so I'm going to end this now.
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
Catch up soon though.......I hope.
TTYL
Pug <--------my self proclaimed nickname that has never fully caught on.
It was a few days ago when I realized that I had yet again been neglecting my blog. So here I am trying to play catch up again.
I'm actually pretty tired so I'm going to end this now.
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
Catch up soon though.......I hope.
TTYL
Pug <--------my self proclaimed nickname that has never fully caught on.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Catching up
It's been awhile since I've blogged and since I'm here I might as well catch up on where I've been lately.
Since this is now August I am officially 49 years old since July 19th. Whew. Just one year to enjoy my 40's and then I'm into my 50's. Trippy.
I'm still living at Jesus People though I have been transitioning for a couple months now. Shoot, small break while I call my mom.
No answer from my mom, went straight to vm so she's probably taking a nap or sleeping since she works a graveyard shift.
I just got a job at a call center taking calls for golf courses all over the county. I start training tomorrow. Pretty stoked since I've been looking for a job for over two months now. Pretty soon I can hopefully get my own place or even find someone who needs a roommate in this area. That might be cool too.
Also I've been scoring some music lately. So far I have a flute solo, flute and oboe duet, flute and clarinet duet, and a small five piece chamber orchestra piece which consists of piano, violin, flute, clarinet and cello.
Right now I'm attempting to write a Christmas piece and score the song I wrote for my sister Melissa when I was a teenager.
I have been trying to write a book since I believe March of this year. I think I have something like 22 pagers or the like. It's been really slow going, especially when it comes to subjects that are very sensitive.
Still trying to get a divorce, but not any closer than before which is both frustrating and not so much.
The only reason I want this divorce is so that I can permanently close that "chapter" of my life and hopefully never remember it again. People may say that this "experience" will help me grow but I say my life is chock full of things that help me grow so I really don't need to keep remembering this particularly extremely painful time in my life to grow. At least I think I've done all the growing I was supposed to from this time in my life.
I feel like doing some scoring now so I'm going to wrap this up.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Since this is now August I am officially 49 years old since July 19th. Whew. Just one year to enjoy my 40's and then I'm into my 50's. Trippy.
I'm still living at Jesus People though I have been transitioning for a couple months now. Shoot, small break while I call my mom.
No answer from my mom, went straight to vm so she's probably taking a nap or sleeping since she works a graveyard shift.
I just got a job at a call center taking calls for golf courses all over the county. I start training tomorrow. Pretty stoked since I've been looking for a job for over two months now. Pretty soon I can hopefully get my own place or even find someone who needs a roommate in this area. That might be cool too.
Also I've been scoring some music lately. So far I have a flute solo, flute and oboe duet, flute and clarinet duet, and a small five piece chamber orchestra piece which consists of piano, violin, flute, clarinet and cello.
Right now I'm attempting to write a Christmas piece and score the song I wrote for my sister Melissa when I was a teenager.
I have been trying to write a book since I believe March of this year. I think I have something like 22 pagers or the like. It's been really slow going, especially when it comes to subjects that are very sensitive.
Still trying to get a divorce, but not any closer than before which is both frustrating and not so much.
The only reason I want this divorce is so that I can permanently close that "chapter" of my life and hopefully never remember it again. People may say that this "experience" will help me grow but I say my life is chock full of things that help me grow so I really don't need to keep remembering this particularly extremely painful time in my life to grow. At least I think I've done all the growing I was supposed to from this time in my life.
I feel like doing some scoring now so I'm going to wrap this up.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
New Tired Life
A spur-of-the-moment-poem
Tired, worn out, scared
A new chapter for life, was the previous one death?
Adventure, zest, challenges galore
No. Stay in the rut, it's easier, it's the same.
Live for God, live for yourself, live for others
Does anyone honestly care beyond a few scattered mutters?
Take a step, dance a jig, sing a new song
fall down without knowing if you will be able to stand once again.
He's got friends, he's got support they all think
without knowing he's alone, only words on a screen to comfort and care.
So?
The ball is rolling, I will not look back.
Time to move on, for better or worse, those words are haunting
No longer young, not old enough to die, just here
Good times may soon be here, new friends, new love, new lease on life.
Tired, worn out, scared
A new chapter for life, was the previous one death?
Adventure, zest, challenges galore
No. Stay in the rut, it's easier, it's the same.
Live for God, live for yourself, live for others
Does anyone honestly care beyond a few scattered mutters?
Take a step, dance a jig, sing a new song
fall down without knowing if you will be able to stand once again.
He's got friends, he's got support they all think
without knowing he's alone, only words on a screen to comfort and care.
So?
The ball is rolling, I will not look back.
Time to move on, for better or worse, those words are haunting
No longer young, not old enough to die, just here
Good times may soon be here, new friends, new love, new lease on life.
Monday, October 27, 2014
new song lyrics?
I was Too Weak by Kenneth Maese
I'm sorry that I let you down
I'm sorry that I didn't think
I'm never sure how I really sound
I'm not sure if I'm broke or it's just a kink
in my soul
in my mind
in my heart
in my life.........
I was too weak
to know how to stand on my own
I was too weak
to take control of my own life
I let it beat me down
The choices that I made
were all I knew
though I tried to understand
I was too weak
Now life has begun to pass me by
I think of where I've been
all those years that have slipped away
bridges burned no return
it started when I lost my innocence
my world, my life, my choice
all alone in the dark of the night
I try to cry though no tears form
an empty echo within my barren chest
I have a beautiful family
my children run to me happily
they cry daddy as they leap into my arms
the love of my life is standing near
just when I can't be any happier
I wake to find I'm all alone
it's just a dream
it's just a dream
it's just a dream
I never want to wake from
Saturday, October 18, 2014
unwritten blogs
As you may have noticed, I don't blog nearly half as much as I say I
will. I have always wondered why that is. I think I may have the
answer though.
Maybe not.
As I was going to type my thoughts my mind was instantly flooded with voices of people saying things like "You're over thinking" and "It's all in your head" and similar things.
I just started this post but already I'm discouraged and will be stopping due to multiple error messages that keep popping up.
Sigh.
Until next time.
Maybe not.
As I was going to type my thoughts my mind was instantly flooded with voices of people saying things like "You're over thinking" and "It's all in your head" and similar things.
I just started this post but already I'm discouraged and will be stopping due to multiple error messages that keep popping up.
Sigh.
Until next time.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Dead
Silence fills the empty space,
light and warmth have fled.
voices from the past
argue in my head
refusing to allow peace in.
I listen as they shout
condemnation is what they serve
my tears are my bitter drink.
In the distance I hear a knock
it's faint and it barely registers
to my ears or heart.
I long to go to see who would knock
If at long last relief has arrived.
The silence presses me back
I can not rise I can not walk
I can not think I can not breathe
I can not
live.
light and warmth have fled.
voices from the past
argue in my head
refusing to allow peace in.
I listen as they shout
condemnation is what they serve
my tears are my bitter drink.
In the distance I hear a knock
it's faint and it barely registers
to my ears or heart.
I long to go to see who would knock
If at long last relief has arrived.
The silence presses me back
I can not rise I can not walk
I can not think I can not breathe
I can not
live.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Blogging and Other Undone Moments
I can't speak for anyone else but myself. Should be obvious, yet most times the obvious must be stated. Even then the capacity for misunderstanding is great. Still to not clarify or at least attempt to clarify oneself would result in even greater confusion.
The problem that I find with myself is not that I lack any semblance of intelligence, though I once thought myself stupid. Still do on occasion, however, I with God's help have been learning to cut myself some slack more and more. It's not like I don't have anything to say. Quite the contrary, I have a lot to share given my proclivity for reclusive tendencies. I can't begin to count how may sermons, talks, blogs, shares, twitters, status updates, poems, lyrics, bass lines, guitar lines, the beginning of books that I have had in my head, only to fail to get them down on paper or computer.
I am at a loss for why this is. Even the rare times when I do sit down to write out thoughts, they often come quicker than I can write or type and then the begin to jumble like they are trying to all pour out of a huge container that has a small bottle neck opening. No, that's not it. It's more like a huge container that allows everything to spill out all at once and thus some of the contents end up on the floor....forever wasted....gone. Try as I might it would be like trying to pick up water off the floor with your bare hands. You're hands may get wet but the small amount of water can not quench your thirst.
I actually came online for the purpose of talking about this and my health. I can not even begin to explain my body. So I will just type what I know.
I have allergies, like most people. My eyes water and turn red, my left eye more so than my right eye. I get sinus headaches which are a complete bummer and too often I have more excess mucas than I care for. I have diagnosed with diabetes for several years now but rarely beyond the occasional pill do anything for it. Which is slowly catching up with me. Four months ago I was told I needed reading glasses for near sightedness even though my far sightedness vision was becoming more of a blurry daily occurrence. Today I was watching a movie alone in my room when I had to use the bathroom. As I was pondering the topics of this blog I noticed my vision was blurred. Not just writing but everything. I sat at my computer and saw the same thing. Blurry. Suspecting something I did not want to acknowledge I put on my glasses and went to the bathroom. Sure enough. Without glasses...blurry. With glasses...fine. Sigh. I may need to wear them more than I had thought or was told. A friend had said that the more you wear glasses the worse your eyes become. I wonder if I don't wear them at all would the reverse be true. You really don't have to answer that, I know it's just wishful thinking.
Here's the truly remarkable thing about my body....my life.....
I have survived four suicide attempts, drinking beyond excess that should have given me alcohol poising, hard core drugs and just blatant stupidity including having unprotected sex with more strangers than I care to admit and one guy who had full blown AIDS. The guy with AIDS happened in 1998 and since then I was tested for HIV in 2002 and was negative and again just four months ago and am still HIV negative.
You can not tell me there is no God and that it is only His grace and mercy that have kept me safe. Even as I write this it seems from a certain point of view to be shallow and trite as there are many people who are living with AIDS and HIV......does that mean God's grace and mercy isn't extended to them as well?
I do not know.
I don't.
I think I've said all that I wanted to say for today. I'm going to get back to my movie.
Thanks for your time. Oh, I got an awesomely, wonderful text from my sister Melissa today. I'm still riding on the cloud of love. <3
The problem that I find with myself is not that I lack any semblance of intelligence, though I once thought myself stupid. Still do on occasion, however, I with God's help have been learning to cut myself some slack more and more. It's not like I don't have anything to say. Quite the contrary, I have a lot to share given my proclivity for reclusive tendencies. I can't begin to count how may sermons, talks, blogs, shares, twitters, status updates, poems, lyrics, bass lines, guitar lines, the beginning of books that I have had in my head, only to fail to get them down on paper or computer.
I am at a loss for why this is. Even the rare times when I do sit down to write out thoughts, they often come quicker than I can write or type and then the begin to jumble like they are trying to all pour out of a huge container that has a small bottle neck opening. No, that's not it. It's more like a huge container that allows everything to spill out all at once and thus some of the contents end up on the floor....forever wasted....gone. Try as I might it would be like trying to pick up water off the floor with your bare hands. You're hands may get wet but the small amount of water can not quench your thirst.
I actually came online for the purpose of talking about this and my health. I can not even begin to explain my body. So I will just type what I know.
I have allergies, like most people. My eyes water and turn red, my left eye more so than my right eye. I get sinus headaches which are a complete bummer and too often I have more excess mucas than I care for. I have diagnosed with diabetes for several years now but rarely beyond the occasional pill do anything for it. Which is slowly catching up with me. Four months ago I was told I needed reading glasses for near sightedness even though my far sightedness vision was becoming more of a blurry daily occurrence. Today I was watching a movie alone in my room when I had to use the bathroom. As I was pondering the topics of this blog I noticed my vision was blurred. Not just writing but everything. I sat at my computer and saw the same thing. Blurry. Suspecting something I did not want to acknowledge I put on my glasses and went to the bathroom. Sure enough. Without glasses...blurry. With glasses...fine. Sigh. I may need to wear them more than I had thought or was told. A friend had said that the more you wear glasses the worse your eyes become. I wonder if I don't wear them at all would the reverse be true. You really don't have to answer that, I know it's just wishful thinking.
Here's the truly remarkable thing about my body....my life.....
I have survived four suicide attempts, drinking beyond excess that should have given me alcohol poising, hard core drugs and just blatant stupidity including having unprotected sex with more strangers than I care to admit and one guy who had full blown AIDS. The guy with AIDS happened in 1998 and since then I was tested for HIV in 2002 and was negative and again just four months ago and am still HIV negative.
You can not tell me there is no God and that it is only His grace and mercy that have kept me safe. Even as I write this it seems from a certain point of view to be shallow and trite as there are many people who are living with AIDS and HIV......does that mean God's grace and mercy isn't extended to them as well?
I do not know.
I don't.
I think I've said all that I wanted to say for today. I'm going to get back to my movie.
Thanks for your time. Oh, I got an awesomely, wonderful text from my sister Melissa today. I'm still riding on the cloud of love. <3
Saturday, July 5, 2014
The Walk
Through my life the steps that I've taken
on freshly cut grass so gentle and fragrant
soft, green blades pushing up against my feet
between my toes, reaching up to tickle my ankles
I stop and wonder, pausing to take in the moment
I delight in the newness as the silkiness touches
for a moment and then it's gone.
My feet have also walked upon shattered glass
and rocks jaded and sharp scattered
by both chance and enemies of my heart
my first journey across this wasteland
dropped me to my knees
caused my heart to stumble
fear became an ever present companion
Closed up in myself withdrawn and afraid
I will not hurt, I will not be hurt
I will travel on the indifferent sands
of complacency numbly taking each step
unaware, not hearing, not seeing
no soft green grass, nor shattered glass
just endless will draining sand.
I've lived much longer than I thought I would
I done things and said things that cause regret
in my bed alone at night, I speak with God
He alone can hold me so I no longer shake
His words are comfort, He forgives me again
His love is never withheld, it is why I go on
to walk on the grass, the glass, the sand.
on freshly cut grass so gentle and fragrant
soft, green blades pushing up against my feet
between my toes, reaching up to tickle my ankles
I stop and wonder, pausing to take in the moment
I delight in the newness as the silkiness touches
for a moment and then it's gone.
My feet have also walked upon shattered glass
and rocks jaded and sharp scattered
by both chance and enemies of my heart
my first journey across this wasteland
dropped me to my knees
caused my heart to stumble
fear became an ever present companion
Closed up in myself withdrawn and afraid
I will not hurt, I will not be hurt
I will travel on the indifferent sands
of complacency numbly taking each step
unaware, not hearing, not seeing
no soft green grass, nor shattered glass
just endless will draining sand.
I've lived much longer than I thought I would
I done things and said things that cause regret
in my bed alone at night, I speak with God
He alone can hold me so I no longer shake
His words are comfort, He forgives me again
His love is never withheld, it is why I go on
to walk on the grass, the glass, the sand.
Compassion,
I don't know what happened to me that I'm so concerned, scratch that, overly concerned about what people think of me or my thoughts, or my appearance, etc. I think I've allowed people who have hurt me too much of my life. It's probably not entirely incorrect that I've allowed the people that I've hurt too much of my life as well.
If I could go back and undo every single action and word that has brought anyone I've come into contact with any pain or suffering..........would I do it? Would it help them? On the surface that seems like a stupid question. Then I think about all the pain I've gone though and how much I've grown from it.
So here I am in Chicago, wondering yet again, just what on earth am I doing here. Living in a place that doesn't seem to want me. Sigh. I don't know. I really am now convinced that I was born to be a loner. I used to think that romantic or whatever but it's just really lonely. It's not like that all the time either. Once in a great while God sends someone with a sensitive soul to spend some time with me but all the others that God lays on their heart to spend time with me, talking, laughing, or other just ignore God's promptings and consider it their good deed for the day when they allow me to talk or joke with them.
I see the same people who tense up when I call their name, laughing or talking with many other people just seconds after they allow me a couple of minutes while they stand there with a look of patience that adults give to rambling children. It's also pretty rare when people come to me to start a conversation but rather I'm the one who has to.
Screw this self-pity crap. I'm pretty funny and interesting, screw them if they don't know it. God loves me and always has time for me. The hardest part is loving people they way God wants me to love them even though they consider me a waste of time and effort. God has been giving me the strength to do this cause on my own there is no way I can. I continue to talk to people who ignore me, who blow me off, who dismiss me...a lot. The sad thing is most people talk once in a while to me so they don't know how much more often they dismiss me or ignore me. I have to leave that between them and God though. He's got it under control. I gotta pee brb
So here I am again...yay. I think I'm done blogging though. At least for now. Can't say when I'm going to blog again cause you've seen my track record, heh. Might be a day or two, might be a month or more. So enjoy my sporadic and strange ramblings while you can cause I might not be on this earth too much longer, of course only God knows when I'm supposed to go.
Till then...........
If I could go back and undo every single action and word that has brought anyone I've come into contact with any pain or suffering..........would I do it? Would it help them? On the surface that seems like a stupid question. Then I think about all the pain I've gone though and how much I've grown from it.
So here I am in Chicago, wondering yet again, just what on earth am I doing here. Living in a place that doesn't seem to want me. Sigh. I don't know. I really am now convinced that I was born to be a loner. I used to think that romantic or whatever but it's just really lonely. It's not like that all the time either. Once in a great while God sends someone with a sensitive soul to spend some time with me but all the others that God lays on their heart to spend time with me, talking, laughing, or other just ignore God's promptings and consider it their good deed for the day when they allow me to talk or joke with them.
I see the same people who tense up when I call their name, laughing or talking with many other people just seconds after they allow me a couple of minutes while they stand there with a look of patience that adults give to rambling children. It's also pretty rare when people come to me to start a conversation but rather I'm the one who has to.
Screw this self-pity crap. I'm pretty funny and interesting, screw them if they don't know it. God loves me and always has time for me. The hardest part is loving people they way God wants me to love them even though they consider me a waste of time and effort. God has been giving me the strength to do this cause on my own there is no way I can. I continue to talk to people who ignore me, who blow me off, who dismiss me...a lot. The sad thing is most people talk once in a while to me so they don't know how much more often they dismiss me or ignore me. I have to leave that between them and God though. He's got it under control. I gotta pee brb
So here I am again...yay. I think I'm done blogging though. At least for now. Can't say when I'm going to blog again cause you've seen my track record, heh. Might be a day or two, might be a month or more. So enjoy my sporadic and strange ramblings while you can cause I might not be on this earth too much longer, of course only God knows when I'm supposed to go.
Till then...........
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Lyrics for a song?
It's been a long hard road
lately I've been freed
from the burden that is me
though the pain of heartache lingers
like a piece of glass stuck in my soul
I've seen and tasted the goodness of the King
will you bring me home
will you stay with me
will your hand hold mine
and never let me go
I've yearned for you
I've searched for you
yet your love shines for me in the middle of confusion
I'll follow where you will go
Search me Lord inside and out
purify me completely
I am your vessel let your blood
cleanse make me holy like you
Holy Spirit fill me completely
let your fruit fill me to overflowing
I will worship you with my life
hold me fast, hold me tight
I cling with all of my might
lately I've been freed
from the burden that is me
though the pain of heartache lingers
like a piece of glass stuck in my soul
I've seen and tasted the goodness of the King
will you bring me home
will you stay with me
will your hand hold mine
and never let me go
I've yearned for you
I've searched for you
yet your love shines for me in the middle of confusion
I'll follow where you will go
Search me Lord inside and out
purify me completely
I am your vessel let your blood
cleanse make me holy like you
Holy Spirit fill me completely
let your fruit fill me to overflowing
I will worship you with my life
hold me fast, hold me tight
I cling with all of my might
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Stumped
So.....wow..........I could have sworn I had done at least one or two posts this year for this blog page. I have another blog page that I know I have posted on this year. When I came to do this post however I noticed that no, my last post was December of last year.
Weird.
Maybe not though. I sometimes think I've done things that apparently I have not. You would think this would distress me but at this point it doesn't. Huh.
OK, let me bring you up to speed on where I am right now.
Today is my first day feeling almost one hundred percent after having a bad stomach virus for the last four to five days.
It was not good. Enough said.
So I get up this morning and do my laundry, get some coffee which means a small cup of black JPUSA coffee (don't ask, if you have never lived here you won't get it) and then a regular cup of Linda's chocolate coffee (extra chocolate *per Linda). 'Scuse me while I go pee. Yes, I know you didn't need to know that but it's my blog ding dang doogity doo. Great, now my bladder hurts from typing all that instead of goi
OK, I'm back.
Where was I.....oh, yes.....(ha, I blanked out again.) I then came to my room and played some bass along to YouTube videos of Kansas (Carry On My Wayward Son) Zeppelin (Ten Years Gone), and someone else but I don't recall right now. Then after chatting with my roomie for awhile I went to Don Hills CD release party. Which I am currently listening to and totally into. The album is his band Millipede and the title is "A Mist and a Vapor". Heh. It actually just ended as I was typing that.
Wait, no...it's still playing. Sweet.
Funny. My writing style is not something I would exactly imagine myself having with all the "sweets" and what have you. I don't know why but I would prefer my writing style to be more...um....geez......intellectual? Which is highly ironic since I had to just spell check intellectual. At any rate I have always imagined myself a more romantic type author. Maybe of the C.S Lewis influence (apologies to those who just spit coffee/water/soda/liquor all over their monitor) and have come up only as a second rate S.E. Hinton. Sigh. So be it.
I'm actually just pretty happy that I'm doing it at all. Oh, and I'd like to mention that I have just noticed for the first time today that I see people have been viewing my blogs. I had actually been under the impression that no one ever read my stuff. I was basing that on the lack of comments which is sparse at best.
Sometimes there are no words for what you read though. Seems to be the general reaction to my thoughts whether spoken or written. Hahahahahaha. I actually right now find that to be very amusing. Oh, in case you haven't guessed I'm riding a caffeine high right now as during Dons CD release party I had a large latte at Everybody's Coffee which I didn't even finish.
Whew.
I called my mom but go her answering machine, called my dad and spoke to Dodie, called my sister my no answer and no answering machine. I think I'll try my mom again after I end this. Which I should do right now.
BTW when I was sick I was feeling a low to no connection with God but when I awoke this morning, I felt just covered in His love and presence. It was truly wonderful.
That's it for now. Leave a comment if you want.
No pressure of course.
I will try to be back more often to actually blog and not just think about blogging or rather think that I actually did blog and didn't.
Bye.....for now.
Weird.
Maybe not though. I sometimes think I've done things that apparently I have not. You would think this would distress me but at this point it doesn't. Huh.
OK, let me bring you up to speed on where I am right now.
Today is my first day feeling almost one hundred percent after having a bad stomach virus for the last four to five days.
It was not good. Enough said.
So I get up this morning and do my laundry, get some coffee which means a small cup of black JPUSA coffee (don't ask, if you have never lived here you won't get it) and then a regular cup of Linda's chocolate coffee (extra chocolate *per Linda). 'Scuse me while I go pee. Yes, I know you didn't need to know that but it's my blog ding dang doogity doo. Great, now my bladder hurts from typing all that instead of goi
OK, I'm back.
Where was I.....oh, yes.....(ha, I blanked out again.) I then came to my room and played some bass along to YouTube videos of Kansas (Carry On My Wayward Son) Zeppelin (Ten Years Gone), and someone else but I don't recall right now. Then after chatting with my roomie for awhile I went to Don Hills CD release party. Which I am currently listening to and totally into. The album is his band Millipede and the title is "A Mist and a Vapor". Heh. It actually just ended as I was typing that.
Wait, no...it's still playing. Sweet.
Funny. My writing style is not something I would exactly imagine myself having with all the "sweets" and what have you. I don't know why but I would prefer my writing style to be more...um....geez......intellectual? Which is highly ironic since I had to just spell check intellectual. At any rate I have always imagined myself a more romantic type author. Maybe of the C.S Lewis influence (apologies to those who just spit coffee/water/soda/liquor all over their monitor) and have come up only as a second rate S.E. Hinton. Sigh. So be it.
I'm actually just pretty happy that I'm doing it at all. Oh, and I'd like to mention that I have just noticed for the first time today that I see people have been viewing my blogs. I had actually been under the impression that no one ever read my stuff. I was basing that on the lack of comments which is sparse at best.
Sometimes there are no words for what you read though. Seems to be the general reaction to my thoughts whether spoken or written. Hahahahahaha. I actually right now find that to be very amusing. Oh, in case you haven't guessed I'm riding a caffeine high right now as during Dons CD release party I had a large latte at Everybody's Coffee which I didn't even finish.
Whew.
I called my mom but go her answering machine, called my dad and spoke to Dodie, called my sister my no answer and no answering machine. I think I'll try my mom again after I end this. Which I should do right now.
BTW when I was sick I was feeling a low to no connection with God but when I awoke this morning, I felt just covered in His love and presence. It was truly wonderful.
That's it for now. Leave a comment if you want.
No pressure of course.
I will try to be back more often to actually blog and not just think about blogging or rather think that I actually did blog and didn't.
Bye.....for now.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Decemeber 31st, 2013
It is December 31st, 2013. Last day for the year 2013.
Freshly showered and planning on heading down to the New Years Eve party in the garden room at Jesus People USA.
I called my mom and we had a good talk, called my dad and had a good talk with his answering machine, called my sister and since the phone just rang and rang I eventually just hung up. Her and Gary must be out somewhere.
I should review the 2013, after all isn't that what your supposed to do? Oh, I am also at this moment listening to Aracely Bock on iTunes. I have only bought two of her songs off her new album "Say Your Name" and "Here I Am". Really loving them both.
So this past year has seen some mostly uneventful times, some hectic times, some craziness, some heartbreaks, some break trough's. Pretty much your average life. God has been molding me, cleansing me....actually I am all those things already I am in the process of accepting and knowing who I am in Yeshua. So hard when all my life I have been (now I'm listening to Brian S Reed - "More Love To Thee" ) hearing what a horrible person I am.
So I just had some flashbacks of exchanges between me and my dad and I started shoveling food in my face. I'm not hungry. Sigh. I still have such a very long way to go.
I'm still being rejected by people on a daily basis. The thing is (The Calling - Wherever You Will God) most people don't even know they are rejecting me. Most people say I'm a like able guy that people think highly of and yet here I sit night after night all alone. Once in a great while someone will ask me to do things, oh yeah...I know what your gonna say...I DO ask people to do things and sometimes it happens but most times I get some kind of lame excuse.
Living here at JPUSA has not changed this. Same stuff I always have to deal with. It's for sure not all bad though. (FFH - Better Is One Day) I have had some amazing times, laughed until my stomach hurt, felt love like I've never felt before, met some wonderful people and so on.
Next year should be pretty adventures as well. Believe it or not but I really want to perfect a British accent. Hahahahahahaha I know...weird. I am also going to continue to try and move to Israel. That is my hearts desire.
My complete and utter hearts desire is to seek the face of God with every fiber of my entire being. To live completely and utterly for God and God alone.
I also need to get (Foreigner - Blue Monday, Blue Morning) a divorce from Paulina. She has not answered any of my emails for over two months. I wonder what's going on with her. I wish she would just let me go. She hates me so much...people say it gives her some kind of twisted pleasure to play with my head. Like how a cat "plays" with a mouse before killing it.
I should brush my teeth and go. Hopefully I will do a much better job with this blog next year.
Happy New Year.
Yeshua is Lord!!!
Freshly showered and planning on heading down to the New Years Eve party in the garden room at Jesus People USA.
I called my mom and we had a good talk, called my dad and had a good talk with his answering machine, called my sister and since the phone just rang and rang I eventually just hung up. Her and Gary must be out somewhere.
I should review the 2013, after all isn't that what your supposed to do? Oh, I am also at this moment listening to Aracely Bock on iTunes. I have only bought two of her songs off her new album "Say Your Name" and "Here I Am". Really loving them both.
So this past year has seen some mostly uneventful times, some hectic times, some craziness, some heartbreaks, some break trough's. Pretty much your average life. God has been molding me, cleansing me....actually I am all those things already I am in the process of accepting and knowing who I am in Yeshua. So hard when all my life I have been (now I'm listening to Brian S Reed - "More Love To Thee" ) hearing what a horrible person I am.
So I just had some flashbacks of exchanges between me and my dad and I started shoveling food in my face. I'm not hungry. Sigh. I still have such a very long way to go.
I'm still being rejected by people on a daily basis. The thing is (The Calling - Wherever You Will God) most people don't even know they are rejecting me. Most people say I'm a like able guy that people think highly of and yet here I sit night after night all alone. Once in a great while someone will ask me to do things, oh yeah...I know what your gonna say...I DO ask people to do things and sometimes it happens but most times I get some kind of lame excuse.
Living here at JPUSA has not changed this. Same stuff I always have to deal with. It's for sure not all bad though. (FFH - Better Is One Day) I have had some amazing times, laughed until my stomach hurt, felt love like I've never felt before, met some wonderful people and so on.
Next year should be pretty adventures as well. Believe it or not but I really want to perfect a British accent. Hahahahahahaha I know...weird. I am also going to continue to try and move to Israel. That is my hearts desire.
My complete and utter hearts desire is to seek the face of God with every fiber of my entire being. To live completely and utterly for God and God alone.
I also need to get (Foreigner - Blue Monday, Blue Morning) a divorce from Paulina. She has not answered any of my emails for over two months. I wonder what's going on with her. I wish she would just let me go. She hates me so much...people say it gives her some kind of twisted pleasure to play with my head. Like how a cat "plays" with a mouse before killing it.
I should brush my teeth and go. Hopefully I will do a much better job with this blog next year.
Happy New Year.
Yeshua is Lord!!!
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Tumblr
I always say I should blog more but then I get conflicted thoughts about how no one wants to read what I have to say but then I think is my blog for me or them? At any rate I found a couple of things on Tumblr I wanted to share.
Here they are:
“The beauty of Christ is His love for us is not dependent of our love for ourselves. He loves us whether we love ourselves or not. He loves us if the sun is up or the sun is set. He loves us when it rains and when it shines. He loves us whether we think He does or not.
How do I know this? Because He created a world that denied Him, but He still loved us and instead of destroying us (Because that would be the case if He didn’t.) He came down, lived with us, laughed with us, cried with us and ultimately died for us.
Christ’s love for us is within His very DNA; No matter what you think, Christ loves you, even if you don’t feel Him. He will always love you.
”
and
“I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up, let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face, or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me, and you’re just fun and you harass me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day, to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you, which is that I’m crazy about you. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you. It’s like a condition, it’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if i can’t be with you and I can’t be with you, so I’m gonna die and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you, and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back? It’s like, greedy.”
Here they are:
“The beauty of Christ is His love for us is not dependent of our love for ourselves. He loves us whether we love ourselves or not. He loves us if the sun is up or the sun is set. He loves us when it rains and when it shines. He loves us whether we think He does or not.
How do I know this? Because He created a world that denied Him, but He still loved us and instead of destroying us (Because that would be the case if He didn’t.) He came down, lived with us, laughed with us, cried with us and ultimately died for us.
Christ’s love for us is within His very DNA; No matter what you think, Christ loves you, even if you don’t feel Him. He will always love you.
”
and
“I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up, let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face, or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me, and you’re just fun and you harass me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day, to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you, which is that I’m crazy about you. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you. It’s like a condition, it’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if i can’t be with you and I can’t be with you, so I’m gonna die and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you, and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back? It’s like, greedy.”
Saturday, July 20, 2013
My birthday 2013
Here is a run down of my birthday this year....pretty much as it happened. :)
I am actually going to start the night before around 7pm.
So I am actually scheduled to get a tat from our local ink artist Edie, she is awesome at what she does. A recent good friend asks to tag along so I say yes. I get to my appointment at 7 but am asked to return half an hour later. So I go with my friend David and hang out in his room just shooting the breeze. 7:30pm rolls around and we to back and I spend the next 3 hours getting new ink.
Here it is.
So around two hours into this, David says he has to make a phone call and then disappears for quite awhile. I think he just got tired and went home, but no, after awhile he shows back up.
Once the tat is complete, I thank Edie then me and David leave, me to my room and him to his. When I get to my room it is dark as my roommate is asleep since he has to get up at 5am for kitchen duty while I took the day off for my birthday. I get ready in the dark and hit the sack.
I sleep until 8:30am when my dad calls to wish me a happy birthday but I don't answer since I'm half asleep. I crawl down from my tiny "loft" and notice on my desk is a present and a card. I think right away my roommate did this and get happy. I'm just about to text him thanks when I think I should wait till I read the card. So I go get breakfast (since it's Friday breakfast is sausage gravy, buttermilk biscuits, and fried eggs) when I get back to my room I settle in before my computer and open the usual windows such as FB, emails, ect. Then I open the card to find out it's from DAVID!!!!! THAT SNEAK!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Turns out when he when to make a phone call he really went to Target and got me a birthday present and a birthday card! :D The present was a pair of running underwear that prevents chaffing and something he knew I needed. What a great brother in Christ he is!!!!
So I spend time on FB thanking people for the incoming b-day wishes, so much love on FaceBook that day it was truly wonderful (the awesome birthday wishes came until late that night). Then I go downstairs for lunch and as I am grabbing a grilled cheese another good friend Carriane came into the lunch room with some birthday cupcakes and everyone sang "happy birthday"to me!!! Sweet!
I go outside with a cupcake and grilled cheese and flute so I could jam while I wait for some other friends to join me for some praise and worship.
After awhile no one shows up so I wander inside and find them all there in out of the heat hahahaha so we jam a bit of praise and worship....loved it.
Afterwards I go back to my room and jump online for awhile and then me and a really good friend Micah go to Byrons where he treats me to a triple cheeseburger with bacon and fries with cheesy sauce. YUMMERS!!!!!!!
We then watch chow down and then head downstairs where another good friend Scott C sets up in the Garden room so we can watch some Monty Python.
This is Micah
This is Scott C
About 8PM I head upstairs cause Aracely B had asked me to play keyboards for praise and worship but after a few minutes it is painfully obvious that my skills have rusted way worse than I had thought. So I am leaving (very embarressed btw) when Rosalie asks me to play bass instead of her, at first I say no but then give it a try and long story short I am playing bass tomorrow for church service. YAY!!!!!!! (sorry, no picture for this part)
Going back to my room I see my roommate is asleep (he had to be up like 4am or something crazy like that for a side job) so I quietly jumped online for an hour and continued to thank people for birthday wishes and then I posted a last thank you for the night and went to bed so very happy after the best birthday I have ever had....ever.
Oh, I had great phone (yes, me who hates talking on the phone) conversations with Dodie, Dad and of course mom. Melissa did not send me an email or call....I can't believe she forgot me.... and even though I got a birthday wish from Santos (brother-in-law) I got nothing from my sister Christen. *sigh*. Well, besides those two really hurtful things I sincerely had the best birthday I have ever, ever had.
God is soooooo good....always!!!
Thank you Abba for another year you have blessed me with, thank you Yeshua for my salvation and for forgiving me of ALL my sins but especially for the gift of forgiving others for hurting me (I could never do this without you Yeshua) and Holy Spirit for guiding me, loving me, and always speaking truth and nothing but truth to me no matter what.
I will always serve God not matter what. Amen.
Thanks for taking time to read my birthday blog, God bless you and keep you.
Kenneth
I am actually going to start the night before around 7pm.
So I am actually scheduled to get a tat from our local ink artist Edie, she is awesome at what she does. A recent good friend asks to tag along so I say yes. I get to my appointment at 7 but am asked to return half an hour later. So I go with my friend David and hang out in his room just shooting the breeze. 7:30pm rolls around and we to back and I spend the next 3 hours getting new ink.
Here it is.
Once the tat is complete, I thank Edie then me and David leave, me to my room and him to his. When I get to my room it is dark as my roommate is asleep since he has to get up at 5am for kitchen duty while I took the day off for my birthday. I get ready in the dark and hit the sack.
I sleep until 8:30am when my dad calls to wish me a happy birthday but I don't answer since I'm half asleep. I crawl down from my tiny "loft" and notice on my desk is a present and a card. I think right away my roommate did this and get happy. I'm just about to text him thanks when I think I should wait till I read the card. So I go get breakfast (since it's Friday breakfast is sausage gravy, buttermilk biscuits, and fried eggs) when I get back to my room I settle in before my computer and open the usual windows such as FB, emails, ect. Then I open the card to find out it's from DAVID!!!!! THAT SNEAK!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Turns out when he when to make a phone call he really went to Target and got me a birthday present and a birthday card! :D The present was a pair of running underwear that prevents chaffing and something he knew I needed. What a great brother in Christ he is!!!!
So I spend time on FB thanking people for the incoming b-day wishes, so much love on FaceBook that day it was truly wonderful (the awesome birthday wishes came until late that night). Then I go downstairs for lunch and as I am grabbing a grilled cheese another good friend Carriane came into the lunch room with some birthday cupcakes and everyone sang "happy birthday"to me!!! Sweet!
Afterwards I go back to my room and jump online for awhile and then me and a really good friend Micah go to Byrons where he treats me to a triple cheeseburger with bacon and fries with cheesy sauce. YUMMERS!!!!!!!
About 8PM I head upstairs cause Aracely B had asked me to play keyboards for praise and worship but after a few minutes it is painfully obvious that my skills have rusted way worse than I had thought. So I am leaving (very embarressed btw) when Rosalie asks me to play bass instead of her, at first I say no but then give it a try and long story short I am playing bass tomorrow for church service. YAY!!!!!!! (sorry, no picture for this part)
Going back to my room I see my roommate is asleep (he had to be up like 4am or something crazy like that for a side job) so I quietly jumped online for an hour and continued to thank people for birthday wishes and then I posted a last thank you for the night and went to bed so very happy after the best birthday I have ever had....ever.
Oh, I had great phone (yes, me who hates talking on the phone) conversations with Dodie, Dad and of course mom. Melissa did not send me an email or call....I can't believe she forgot me.... and even though I got a birthday wish from Santos (brother-in-law) I got nothing from my sister Christen. *sigh*. Well, besides those two really hurtful things I sincerely had the best birthday I have ever, ever had.
God is soooooo good....always!!!
Thank you Abba for another year you have blessed me with, thank you Yeshua for my salvation and for forgiving me of ALL my sins but especially for the gift of forgiving others for hurting me (I could never do this without you Yeshua) and Holy Spirit for guiding me, loving me, and always speaking truth and nothing but truth to me no matter what.
I will always serve God not matter what. Amen.
Thanks for taking time to read my birthday blog, God bless you and keep you.
Kenneth
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Blogging in my sleep
So here it is on a Sunday morning about 2AM. I should be in bed but I am sleepily protesting having to be in bed by 9pm Mon thru Fri. Heh.
I am yawning and what not but that's OK.
In the past I have posted blogs and entries and such while I was tired like this and while it may not amuse anyone else at the very least I was amused later as I re-read my writing. Whew that was one very long run on sentence.
What to talk about.........hmmmmm.......There is always Micah Miller. He's a pretty cool dude. Good friend and makes me laugh constantly. There is David T a new friend who I had a great talk with the night before last. He is one of the most beautifully spirit sensitive guys I have had the pleasure to meet. There is also Carrianne who is funny, awesome and very honestly direct in all her conversation. I really like her. My roommate and fellow kitchen worker is also very awesome and though we sometimes get on each others nerves I can't imagine working or living with anyone else right now. I had to leave him nameless though as he doesn't like his name "out there". Don't blame him though.
The past couple of days have been pretty cool although I did NOT run this past week. Today I bought a pair of running shoes so I am now pretty stoked about running on Tuesday. Break them in and all of that. I need to buy a pair of black running shorts from Unique on Monday as all prices are half off so a pair of shorts that would be four bucks will only be two! Yippee!
I'm not sure how far I will try to run but my running days are Tue, Wed, Thur, and Sat. So I may run 5 miles, 4 miles, 5 miles, 10 miles (or 12....wow, I MUST be tired).
I should go lie down in bed, have a nice talk with God, then sleep in His loving arms....I really love doing that.
I should also call my dad soon. Talked with my mom today and she sent me some b-day money early so I could have a great weekend and then will send me more on my actual b-day (this month on the 19th) so I can have a great weekend then as well. Awesome! My mommy loves me!
This should about wrap up my mostly asleep blog for now so I can hit the sack as they like to say and not I do not know who they are but I do know that they talk a lot. Heh.
Because it is so late and I am really super tired I am going to include a random picture with my blog today! Lucky you the reader.....hahahahahahahahaha...who am I kidding? Nobody reads my blog!
Well...just in case....here is the random picture.
Well that's nice.
Me and a large chicken burrito....which means the burrito has chicken meat in it...not that the burrito is afraid of something....although it could be afraid of me....after all I'm all checking it out, licking my chops and stuff....I would be afraid or "chicken" too! So in conclusion it is a chicken burrito in every sense of the word.....s....... yeah...we'll go with that.
So now I am really off to bed....hmmmmmm....tired....off.......should I go there?
Nah.
Lucky you.....again.
Nighty night!
I am yawning and what not but that's OK.
In the past I have posted blogs and entries and such while I was tired like this and while it may not amuse anyone else at the very least I was amused later as I re-read my writing. Whew that was one very long run on sentence.
What to talk about.........hmmmmm.......There is always Micah Miller. He's a pretty cool dude. Good friend and makes me laugh constantly. There is David T a new friend who I had a great talk with the night before last. He is one of the most beautifully spirit sensitive guys I have had the pleasure to meet. There is also Carrianne who is funny, awesome and very honestly direct in all her conversation. I really like her. My roommate and fellow kitchen worker is also very awesome and though we sometimes get on each others nerves I can't imagine working or living with anyone else right now. I had to leave him nameless though as he doesn't like his name "out there". Don't blame him though.
The past couple of days have been pretty cool although I did NOT run this past week. Today I bought a pair of running shoes so I am now pretty stoked about running on Tuesday. Break them in and all of that. I need to buy a pair of black running shorts from Unique on Monday as all prices are half off so a pair of shorts that would be four bucks will only be two! Yippee!
I'm not sure how far I will try to run but my running days are Tue, Wed, Thur, and Sat. So I may run 5 miles, 4 miles, 5 miles, 10 miles (or 12....wow, I MUST be tired).
I should go lie down in bed, have a nice talk with God, then sleep in His loving arms....I really love doing that.
I should also call my dad soon. Talked with my mom today and she sent me some b-day money early so I could have a great weekend and then will send me more on my actual b-day (this month on the 19th) so I can have a great weekend then as well. Awesome! My mommy loves me!
This should about wrap up my mostly asleep blog for now so I can hit the sack as they like to say and not I do not know who they are but I do know that they talk a lot. Heh.
Because it is so late and I am really super tired I am going to include a random picture with my blog today! Lucky you the reader.....hahahahahahahahaha...who am I kidding? Nobody reads my blog!
Well...just in case....here is the random picture.
Well that's nice.
Me and a large chicken burrito....which means the burrito has chicken meat in it...not that the burrito is afraid of something....although it could be afraid of me....after all I'm all checking it out, licking my chops and stuff....I would be afraid or "chicken" too! So in conclusion it is a chicken burrito in every sense of the word.....s....... yeah...we'll go with that.
So now I am really off to bed....hmmmmmm....tired....off.......should I go there?
Nah.
Lucky you.....again.
Nighty night!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Time for Venting
First of all I want to say that I know it can be pretty agravating when people who blog or post status updates on social media sights are always complaining about one thing or another. I get it. I really don't like reading what people's latest gripes are either.
On the other hand not everything is always sunshine and roses, even when your a Christian or sometimes especially when your a Christian.
So today is going to be a "vent" day for me because I am sad and tired and lonely.
I have a hard time making and keeping friends and as my ex once pointed out I have a bad habit of shutting people out of my life if I even THINK they are going to hurt me. It also does not help that I don't have any family I can really, truly count on or know that they truly love me. The only way I can put this in prospective is to try and figure this out as I write.
I will go down the list of family and give what I feel and to the best of my knowledge what is going on. Here goes.
Dad - I don't remember anything but a couple of instances now and then from when I was a child (granted this could be just my really bad memory though). We had a strained relationship for all my childhood, teen years and....well pretty much my whole life. He loves me because he feels he has to as I am his oldest son. When my life is on track then I am ok in his eyes and he is happy with a phone call once every six months or so as long as they are short. When I mess up in life though I am a "worthless person, who will never amount to anything and will never change." On his list of priorities I am low, under Dodie, Christen, Kamryn, God, Alyssa, Sara, Derek, Evan, Melissa, Gary, (maybe I am here...somewhere)
Mom - Don't remember to much as but just like dad could be due to bad memory. She loves me no matter what but loves me when I am meeting her standards of acceptable behavior (this blog would not fall under that catagory). Unlike my dad she has been there for me when I really need her and she has been a source of love and strength in my life. We have had many ugly, ugly fights and just a couple of months ago I made a promise to God to never be ugly in word or deed to my mom again. She really does not understand how bad it hurts me when I give her things because I want to bless her and she either gives them away or returns them to me without caring. On her list of priorities I am pretty high like as in Melissa, me, sisters (my aunts), brothers (my uncles), grandkids.
Melissa - She loves me because I am her brother and we have been through a lot together. She never understood how much it hurt to give her Christmas presents and never get one from her just to watch her open many, many presents from her husband, kids, parents, me, ect. She has her family, I have no one. On her list of priorities I fall pretty low as well. I think it's kids, husband, job, sports, parents, cousins (such as Avedona), me.....
Donnie - We get along ok for being I was a horrible step-brother.
Jonathan - He can't stand me but wont tell me why.
Christen - She loves me cause I am her half brother, otherwise has nothing to do with me for the most part.
So I have four siblings which means I have three nieces and one nephew (one more nephew to arrive in September) two nieces and the one nephew are from Melissa and the other niece with a nephew on the way is from Christen. Donnie doesn't want kids and Jonathan is gay. I have never been asked to stand up at any of the weddings or be part of the celebration other than an invitation that the neighbor would get. Christen had all her siblings but me in her wedding. Having three nieces and two nephews you would think I would be asked to be a Godparent at least once but I have not been asked.
As of this date, I have one friend Micah who really is a good friend. Other than that I don't have any friends who keep in touch with me.
So I don't have any friends really and no family who really want anything to do with me.
I have God though. If it were not for God I would have killed myself a very long time ago. I know I tried four different times in my life times and obviously was not successful.
Well, that's enough whining for now, sorry to have taken up your time with the pouting and self-pity.
Next blog with be more up beat I promise.
On the other hand not everything is always sunshine and roses, even when your a Christian or sometimes especially when your a Christian.
So today is going to be a "vent" day for me because I am sad and tired and lonely.
I have a hard time making and keeping friends and as my ex once pointed out I have a bad habit of shutting people out of my life if I even THINK they are going to hurt me. It also does not help that I don't have any family I can really, truly count on or know that they truly love me. The only way I can put this in prospective is to try and figure this out as I write.
I will go down the list of family and give what I feel and to the best of my knowledge what is going on. Here goes.
Dad - I don't remember anything but a couple of instances now and then from when I was a child (granted this could be just my really bad memory though). We had a strained relationship for all my childhood, teen years and....well pretty much my whole life. He loves me because he feels he has to as I am his oldest son. When my life is on track then I am ok in his eyes and he is happy with a phone call once every six months or so as long as they are short. When I mess up in life though I am a "worthless person, who will never amount to anything and will never change." On his list of priorities I am low, under Dodie, Christen, Kamryn, God, Alyssa, Sara, Derek, Evan, Melissa, Gary, (maybe I am here...somewhere)
Mom - Don't remember to much as but just like dad could be due to bad memory. She loves me no matter what but loves me when I am meeting her standards of acceptable behavior (this blog would not fall under that catagory). Unlike my dad she has been there for me when I really need her and she has been a source of love and strength in my life. We have had many ugly, ugly fights and just a couple of months ago I made a promise to God to never be ugly in word or deed to my mom again. She really does not understand how bad it hurts me when I give her things because I want to bless her and she either gives them away or returns them to me without caring. On her list of priorities I am pretty high like as in Melissa, me, sisters (my aunts), brothers (my uncles), grandkids.
Melissa - She loves me because I am her brother and we have been through a lot together. She never understood how much it hurt to give her Christmas presents and never get one from her just to watch her open many, many presents from her husband, kids, parents, me, ect. She has her family, I have no one. On her list of priorities I fall pretty low as well. I think it's kids, husband, job, sports, parents, cousins (such as Avedona), me.....
Donnie - We get along ok for being I was a horrible step-brother.
Jonathan - He can't stand me but wont tell me why.
Christen - She loves me cause I am her half brother, otherwise has nothing to do with me for the most part.
So I have four siblings which means I have three nieces and one nephew (one more nephew to arrive in September) two nieces and the one nephew are from Melissa and the other niece with a nephew on the way is from Christen. Donnie doesn't want kids and Jonathan is gay. I have never been asked to stand up at any of the weddings or be part of the celebration other than an invitation that the neighbor would get. Christen had all her siblings but me in her wedding. Having three nieces and two nephews you would think I would be asked to be a Godparent at least once but I have not been asked.
As of this date, I have one friend Micah who really is a good friend. Other than that I don't have any friends who keep in touch with me.
So I don't have any friends really and no family who really want anything to do with me.
I have God though. If it were not for God I would have killed myself a very long time ago. I know I tried four different times in my life times and obviously was not successful.
Well, that's enough whining for now, sorry to have taken up your time with the pouting and self-pity.
Next blog with be more up beat I promise.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Hard times still better with God than without
I think about this blog every once in a while and how I thought I would be in a cool coffee house with some good coffee or tea just blogging my little heart out every day. Well as you can see my blogs are pretty rare and I usually blog from the living room down the hall from where my room is. Not very exciting I suppose heh.
So I should be downstairs making deviled eggs for the Benders going away party but since I have compulsive procristination syndrome or CPS as I just now made up...especially since I misspelled procrastination (<-------ha! got it right!) I am instead blogging.
Today was the CCO (Cornerstone Community Outreach) Hunger Walk 2013, no it's nothing like the Hunger Games. We had a very good turnout with 80 people from JPUSA showing up and thrown in 40 more people from churches the CCO office and we did good for hungry people all over Chicago. Praise God, to you goes all the glory Father God!!!
I guess I should go downstairs to make that food since I really want to go The Crossing concert tonight! It's always a good time at a Crossing concert! I may work the merch table for them as well.
This past week has been really bad but good for me as I have gone through some really hard struggles concerning my Christian walk. I was in a pretty bad place. God finally had to give me some peace just to pull me through it. While I am still seeking answers for the questions I have at least I am not in a dark fog of despair anymore.
The hardest part is that it was pretty evident that I was not in a good place and after God brought me out of it, one of the brothers a couple of days later affirmed the other brother who does breakfast and lunch cooking with me for "always being positive with a good spirit while working". That hurt as I try to always be walking in the joy of the Lord but at the same time I never want to be fake in my walk. The couple of days I went through were some of the roughest I have ever been through but the peace that I have now is more than worth the pain. I just wish people (including me) understood how words can and do hurt sometimes.
That's it for now as I really am going to head down to cook those eggs.
Thanks for "listening" :)
So I should be downstairs making deviled eggs for the Benders going away party but since I have compulsive procristination syndrome or CPS as I just now made up...especially since I misspelled procrastination (<-------ha! got it right!) I am instead blogging.
Today was the CCO (Cornerstone Community Outreach) Hunger Walk 2013, no it's nothing like the Hunger Games. We had a very good turnout with 80 people from JPUSA showing up and thrown in 40 more people from churches the CCO office and we did good for hungry people all over Chicago. Praise God, to you goes all the glory Father God!!!
I guess I should go downstairs to make that food since I really want to go The Crossing concert tonight! It's always a good time at a Crossing concert! I may work the merch table for them as well.
This past week has been really bad but good for me as I have gone through some really hard struggles concerning my Christian walk. I was in a pretty bad place. God finally had to give me some peace just to pull me through it. While I am still seeking answers for the questions I have at least I am not in a dark fog of despair anymore.
The hardest part is that it was pretty evident that I was not in a good place and after God brought me out of it, one of the brothers a couple of days later affirmed the other brother who does breakfast and lunch cooking with me for "always being positive with a good spirit while working". That hurt as I try to always be walking in the joy of the Lord but at the same time I never want to be fake in my walk. The couple of days I went through were some of the roughest I have ever been through but the peace that I have now is more than worth the pain. I just wish people (including me) understood how words can and do hurt sometimes.
That's it for now as I really am going to head down to cook those eggs.
Thanks for "listening" :)
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