The Walk

Through my life the steps that I've taken
on freshly cut grass so gentle and fragrant
soft, green blades pushing up against my feet
between my toes, reaching up to tickle my ankles
I stop and wonder, pausing to take in the moment
I delight in the newness as the silkiness touches
for a moment and then it's gone.


My feet have also walked upon shattered glass
and rocks jaded and sharp scattered
by both chance and enemies of my heart
my first journey across this wasteland
dropped me to my knees
caused my heart to stumble
fear became an ever present companion


Closed up in myself withdrawn and afraid
I will not hurt, I will not be hurt
I will travel on the indifferent sands
of complacency numbly taking each step
unaware, not hearing, not seeing
no soft green grass, nor shattered glass
just endless will draining sand.


I've lived much longer than I thought I would
I done things and said things that cause regret
in my bed alone at night, I speak with God
He alone can hold me so I no longer shake
His words are comfort, He forgives me again
His love is never withheld, it is why I go on
to walk on the grass, the glass, the sand.

Compassion,

I don't know what happened to me that I'm so concerned, scratch that, overly concerned about what people think of me or my thoughts, or my appearance, etc. I think I've allowed people who have hurt me too much of my life. It's probably not entirely incorrect that I've allowed the people that I've hurt too much of my life as well. 

If I could go back and undo every single action and word that has brought anyone I've come into contact with any pain or suffering..........would I do it?  Would it help them? On the surface that seems like a stupid question.  Then I think about all the pain I've gone though and how much I've grown from it.

So here I am in Chicago, wondering yet again, just what on earth am I doing here.  Living in a place that doesn't seem to want me. Sigh. I don't know.  I really am now convinced that I was born to be a loner. I used to think that romantic or whatever but it's just really lonely.  It's not like that all the time either.  Once in a great while God sends someone with a sensitive soul to spend some time with me but all the others that God lays on their heart to spend time with me, talking, laughing, or other just ignore God's promptings and consider it their good deed for the day when they allow me to talk or joke with them.

I see the same people who tense up when I call their name, laughing or talking with many other people just seconds after they allow me a couple of minutes while they stand there with a look of patience that adults give to rambling children.  It's also pretty rare when people come to me to start a conversation but rather I'm the one who has to.

Screw this self-pity crap.  I'm pretty funny and interesting, screw them if they don't know it. God loves me and always has time for me.  The hardest part is loving people they way God wants me to love them even though they consider me a waste of time and effort. God has been giving me the strength to do this cause on my own there is no way I can. I continue to talk to people who ignore me, who blow me off, who dismiss me...a lot.  The sad thing is most people talk once in a while to me so they don't know how much more often they dismiss me or ignore me. I have to leave that between them and God though. He's got it under control.  I gotta pee brb

So here I am again...yay.  I think I'm done blogging though. At least for now.  Can't say when I'm going to blog again cause you've seen my track record, heh.  Might be a day or two, might be a month or more.  So enjoy my sporadic and strange ramblings while you can cause I might not be on this earth too much longer, of course only God knows when I'm supposed to go.  

Till then...........

Lyrics for a song?

It's been a long hard road
lately I've been freed
from the burden that is me
though the pain of heartache lingers
like a piece of glass stuck in my soul
I've seen and tasted the goodness of the King

will you bring me home
will you stay with me
will your hand hold mine
and never let me go
I've yearned for you
I've searched for you
yet your love shines for me in the middle of confusion
I'll follow where you will go

Search me Lord inside and out
purify me completely
I am your vessel let your blood 
cleanse make me holy like you
Holy Spirit fill me completely
let your fruit fill me to overflowing
I will worship you with my life
hold me fast, hold me tight
I cling with all of my might

Stumped

So.....wow..........I could have sworn I had done at least one or two posts this year for this blog page. I have another blog page that I know I have posted on this year.  When I came to do this post however I noticed that no, my last post was December of last year.

Weird.

Maybe not though. I sometimes think I've done things that apparently I have not.  You would think this would distress me but at this point it doesn't. Huh.

OK, let me bring you up to speed on where I am right now.  

Today is my first day feeling almost one hundred percent after having a bad stomach virus for the last four to five days.  

It was not good. Enough said.

So I get up this morning and do my laundry, get some coffee which means a small cup of black JPUSA coffee (don't ask, if you have never lived here you won't get it) and then a regular cup of Linda's chocolate coffee (extra chocolate *per Linda).  'Scuse me while I go pee. Yes, I know you didn't need to know that but it's my blog ding dang doogity doo. Great, now my bladder hurts from typing all that instead of goi

OK, I'm back.

Where was I.....oh, yes.....(ha, I blanked out again.) I then came to my room and played some bass along to YouTube videos of Kansas (Carry On My Wayward Son) Zeppelin (Ten Years Gone), and someone else but I don't recall right now.  Then after chatting with my roomie for awhile I went to Don Hills CD release party. Which I am currently listening to and totally into. The album is his band Millipede and the title is "A Mist and a Vapor". Heh. It actually just ended as I was typing that. 
Wait, no...it's still playing. Sweet.

Funny. My writing style is not something I would exactly imagine myself having with all the "sweets" and what have you.  I don't know why but I would prefer my writing style to be more...um....geez......intellectual? Which is highly ironic since I had to just spell check intellectual. At any rate I have always imagined myself a more romantic type author.  Maybe of the C.S Lewis influence (apologies to those who just spit coffee/water/soda/liquor all over their monitor) and have come up only as a second rate S.E. Hinton. Sigh. So be it.

I'm actually just pretty happy that I'm doing it at all.  Oh, and I'd like to mention that I have just noticed for the first time today that I see people have been viewing my blogs.  I had actually been under the impression that no one ever read my stuff.  I was basing that on the lack of comments which is sparse at best.

Sometimes there are no words for what you read though. Seems to be the general reaction to my thoughts whether spoken or written. Hahahahahaha. I actually right now find that to be very amusing. Oh, in case you haven't guessed I'm riding a caffeine high right now as during Dons CD release party I had a large latte at Everybody's Coffee which I didn't even finish. 

Whew.

I called my mom but go her answering machine, called my dad and spoke to Dodie, called my sister my no answer and no answering machine.  I think I'll try my mom again after I end this. Which I should do right now.

BTW when I was sick I was feeling a low to no connection with God but when I awoke this morning, I felt just covered in His love and presence. It was truly wonderful. 

That's it for now.  Leave a comment if you want.

No pressure of course.

I will try to be back more often to actually blog and not just think about blogging or rather think that I actually did blog and didn't.

Bye.....for now.

Decemeber 31st, 2013

It is December 31st, 2013. Last day for the year 2013.

Freshly showered and planning on heading down to the New Years Eve party in the garden room at Jesus People USA.  

I called my mom and we had a good talk, called my dad and had a good talk with his answering machine, called my sister and since the phone just rang and rang I eventually just hung up.  Her and Gary must be out somewhere. 

I should review the 2013, after all isn't that what your supposed to do? Oh, I am also at this moment listening to Aracely Bock on iTunes.  I have only bought two of her songs off her new album "Say Your Name" and "Here I Am".   Really loving them both.

So this past year has seen some  mostly uneventful times, some hectic times, some craziness, some heartbreaks, some break trough's.  Pretty much your average life.   God has been molding me, cleansing me....actually I am all those things already I am in the process of accepting and knowing who I am in Yeshua. So hard when all my life I have been (now I'm listening to Brian S Reed - "More Love To Thee" )  hearing what a horrible person I am.

So I just had some flashbacks of exchanges between me and my dad and I started shoveling food in my face. I'm not hungry. Sigh. I still have such a very long way to go.

I'm still being rejected by people on a daily basis.  The thing is (The Calling - Wherever You Will God) most people don't even know they are rejecting me.  Most people say I'm a like able guy that people think highly of and yet here I sit night after night all alone.  Once in a great while someone will ask me to do things, oh yeah...I know what your gonna say...I DO ask people to do things and sometimes it happens but most times I get some kind of lame excuse.

Living here at JPUSA has not changed this.  Same stuff I always have to deal with.  It's for sure not all bad though. (FFH - Better Is One Day) I have had some amazing times, laughed until my stomach hurt, felt love like I've never felt before, met some wonderful people and so on. 

Next year should be pretty adventures as well.  Believe it or not but I really want to perfect a British accent. Hahahahahahaha I know...weird.  I am also going to continue to try and move to Israel.  That is my hearts desire. 

My complete and utter hearts desire is to seek the face of God with every fiber of my entire being. To live completely and utterly for God and God alone. 

I also need to get (Foreigner - Blue Monday, Blue Morning) a divorce from Paulina. She has not answered any of my emails for over two months.  I wonder what's going on with her.  I wish she would just let me go.  She hates me so much...people say it gives her some kind of twisted pleasure to play with my head.  Like how a cat "plays" with a mouse before killing it. 

I should brush my teeth and go.  Hopefully I will do a much better job with this blog next year.

Happy New Year.

Yeshua is Lord!!!

Tumblr

I always say I should blog more but then I get conflicted thoughts about how no one wants to read what I have to say but then I think is my blog for me or them? At any rate I found a couple of things on Tumblr I wanted to share.  

Here they are:

“The beauty of Christ is His love for us is not dependent of our love for ourselves. He loves us whether we love ourselves or not. He loves us if the sun is up or the sun is set. He loves us when it rains and when it shines. He loves us whether we think He does or not.
How do I know this? Because He created a world that denied Him, but He still loved us and instead of destroying us (Because that would be the case if He didn’t.) He came down, lived with us, laughed with us, cried with us and ultimately died for us.
Christ’s love for us is within His very DNA; No matter what you think, Christ loves you, even if you don’t feel Him. He will always love you.
” 

and

“I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up, let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face, or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me, and you’re just fun and you harass me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day, to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you, which is that I’m crazy about you. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you. It’s like a condition, it’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if i can’t be with you and I can’t be with you, so I’m gonna die and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you, and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back? It’s like, greedy.” 

 

My birthday 2013

Here is a run down of my birthday this year....pretty much as it happened. :)

I am actually going to start the night before around 7pm.

So I am actually scheduled to get a tat from our local ink artist Edie, she is awesome at what she does. A  recent good friend asks to tag along so I say yes.  I get to my appointment at 7 but am asked to return half an hour later.  So I go with my friend David and hang out in his room just shooting the breeze.  7:30pm rolls around and we to back and I spend the next 3 hours getting new ink.

Here it is.

So around two hours into this, David says he has to make a phone call and then disappears for quite awhile.  I think he just got tired and went home, but no, after awhile he shows back up.

Once the tat is complete, I thank Edie then me and David leave, me to my room and him to his.  When I get to my room it is dark as my roommate is asleep since he has to get up at 5am for kitchen duty while I took the day off for my birthday.  I get ready in the dark and hit the sack.

I sleep until 8:30am when my dad calls to wish me a happy birthday but I don't answer since I'm half asleep.  I crawl down from my tiny "loft" and notice on my desk is a present and a card.  I think right away my roommate did this and get happy.  I'm just about to text him thanks when I think I should wait till I read the card.  So I go get breakfast (since it's Friday breakfast is sausage gravy, buttermilk biscuits, and fried eggs) when I get back to my room I settle in before my computer and open the usual windows such as FB, emails, ect.  Then I open the card to find out it's from DAVID!!!!! THAT SNEAK!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Turns out when he when to make a phone call he really went to Target and got me a birthday present and a birthday card! :D  The present was a pair of running underwear that prevents chaffing and something he knew I needed.  What a great brother in Christ he is!!!! 

So I spend time on FB thanking people for the incoming b-day wishes, so much love on FaceBook that day it was truly wonderful (the awesome birthday wishes came until late that night).  Then I go downstairs for lunch and as I am grabbing a grilled cheese another good friend Carriane came into the lunch room with some birthday cupcakes and everyone sang "happy birthday"to me!!! Sweet!

I go outside with a cupcake and grilled cheese and flute so I could jam while I wait for some other friends to join me for some praise and worship.

After awhile no one shows up so I wander inside and find them all there in out of the heat hahahaha so we jam a bit of praise and worship....loved it.

Afterwards I go back to my room and jump online for awhile and then me and a really good friend Micah go to Byrons where he treats me to a triple cheeseburger with bacon and fries with cheesy sauce.  YUMMERS!!!!!!!

We then watch chow down and then head downstairs where another good friend Scott C sets up in the Garden room so we can watch some Monty Python.

This is Micah

This is Scott C

About 8PM I head upstairs cause Aracely B had asked me to play keyboards for praise and worship but after a few minutes it is painfully obvious that my skills have rusted way worse than I had thought.  So I am leaving (very embarressed btw) when Rosalie asks me to play bass instead of her, at first I say no but then give it a try and long story short I am playing bass tomorrow for church service. YAY!!!!!!! (sorry, no picture for this part)

Going back to my room I see my roommate is asleep (he had to be up like 4am or something crazy like that for a side job) so I quietly jumped online for an hour and continued to thank people for birthday wishes and then I posted a last thank you for the night and went to bed so very happy after the best birthday I have ever had....ever.

Oh, I had great phone (yes, me who hates talking on the phone) conversations with Dodie, Dad and of course mom.  Melissa did not send me an email or call....I can't believe she forgot me.... and even though I got a birthday wish from Santos (brother-in-law) I got nothing from my sister Christen. *sigh*.  Well, besides those two really hurtful things I sincerely had the best birthday I have ever, ever had.  

God is soooooo good....always!!!

Thank you Abba for another year you have blessed me with, thank you Yeshua for my salvation and for forgiving me of ALL my sins but especially for the gift of forgiving others for hurting me (I could never do this without you Yeshua) and Holy Spirit for guiding me, loving me, and always speaking truth and nothing but truth to me no matter what.

I will always serve God not matter what.  Amen.

Thanks for taking time to read my birthday blog, God bless you and keep you.

Kenneth