Restless

So I have been wanting to write my thoughts down for sometime now but as always I have been putting it off.  So now here I am..........sorry, I'm listing to praise and worship via YouTube.  I'm sitting in my room feeling somewhat anxious and I'm not sure why. Of course I'm depressed about my big fat belly that is in my freaking way as I try and type and it's also because of other distractions in my room that I am trying extremely hard to ignore...and failing..OK, not completely but enough to make me anxious.

Something just occurred to me...my writing looks good in red so I think I will do my posts in different colors. Probably just the hippie in my coming out again. Hahahahahaha.  I think it's going to look rather cool.  The weather is changing so my allergies have been really bad lately.  ICK. Eh, what are you gonna do, or rather what am I gonna do hahahahaha...nothing <------ said dryly.

I know what I'm going to do, serve God as I long to do.  Though I'm tired and I have a pressure in my head...again it's not a headache but a pressure big enough for me to notice.  It's just sinus pressure from the allergies I'm thinking. I do wake up in the morning with lots of phlegm which of course totally gross.  Things like that you just learn to deal with.

You will not know what I am about to say of course but I just got back to writing this blog.  After the last paragraph I wandered off on the internet to check my yahoo email and look at some other stuff. OK, OK, it was my FB account...busted.  Heh.

So we are about to go into the month of November and I can't believe how time has flown by. Whew. Goes so quickly. I think about death everyday and I start to get anxious about going to heaven.  God knows and I mean this quite literally just how evil my heart is. I long for the day when I am the man of God He has called me to be.  If I would just truly know in my heart that I am dead to sin and stop looking for acceptance, fulfillment and love outside of God then I would stop filling all the empty holes in my life with all that other junk.

It's not all bad though.  God had brought me such a very long way from where I used to be. What I am about to write is not for shock value or drama..just truth...I don't think I have ever said this out loud..to anyone.....OK for the glory of God (because He is the one who saved me from all of this)

I have tried to commit suicide at least four times in my life. Once when I was thirteen, once when I was nineteen or twenty, once when I  was twenty-seven, and once when I was twenty-eight.

I know some people will shake their heads and mutter coward...or worse. I can't justify why I tried. I just know my head was all screwed up and obviously I wasn't thinking straight.

This is too hard to write right now, I have to go....

bye.