You may be wondering what on earth the title of this blog means....and well you should be wondering. Ha! Just kidding.
My blog today will an effort to get caught up on things I have talked about in past blogs.
OK....let's get to it.
Let's see...oh yeah the roomate situation. David just moved out to room with Michael W. yesterday but Aaron will not be my roommate as he does not like me. He will be Micah's new roomate on the fifth floor. The room is not even close to being ready. The color scheme I had did not fly so I agree to paint the room a new color. The bonus is I got help with redoing the room which includes tearing out one of the lofts which opens the room a lot! Getting a new window much sooner, getting a new bathroom door, and the new paint scheme is beautiful. The room is going to look 100% better than what I would have done with it. Thank you Jesus ♥
I'm a confirmed loner. This is not something I have chosen for myself but nonetheless it is what it is. For those who disagree with this....when was the last time YOU gave me an invite to fellowship? When was the last time I got invited to your home for a meal, or to watch a movie, or to fellowship? That's exactly right. Oh, I got asked to tag along to a movie or dinner once or twice but the majority of the time a sat in my room all by myself. Day after day...night after night....alone.
There are a couple of people who like me here at JPUSA. There several more who tolerate me. The rest don't like me. I can't tell you how many people I have tried to talk to or joke with or even smile at only to receive a cold look that says "Don't talk to me, I don't like you!"
Sigh. Story of my life.
I don't seem to fit in anywhere I go. I'm always by myself. Alone. Always. I get so lonely that my heart literally hurts. Like as in physical pain. I want to cry so often but the tears never seem to come. I'm sooooo tired of my heart breaking.
Why do people look at me and see a monster? Why do they look at me and only see an angry, hurtful monster? I'm that person that you cross the street when you see me . I'm that person who causes you to pull your child closer to yourself and away from me....I'm that person you whisper to your friend about how pathetic, and fat, and ugly I am. I am that person you say is irritating. I am the person you dread seeing coming and hope that I don't talk to you, look at you, sit with you.
It never matters how much or little I try, things never change.
It's because of me...I don't even like me...I hate me.
Such a looser.
I have to go.
Yeah....this probably is a pity post and I am the loser you think I am.
2 comments:
dude. those are lies the enemy is wanting you to believe. don't let him win. the only One Whose opinion of you matters at all is the One Who owns your heart. it hurts Him when you say those things about yourself. if people don't like to be around you, that's their loss...hang with the ones who do, and thank God for them. speak positively of yourself, Pug. you are a child of the King!
thank you Amy, I am actually doing a lot better than years before with the whole self-haate thing. Every once in a while it creeps up and when it does, writing helps to get it up and out of my system. I'm doing much better today and you message was wonderful. Thank you.
Post a Comment