Ketchup Time

You may be wondering what on earth the title of this blog means....and well you should be wondering. Ha! Just kidding. 

My blog today will an effort to get caught up on things I have talked about in past blogs.

OK....let's get to it.

Let's see...oh yeah the roomate situation.  David just moved out to room with Michael W. yesterday but Aaron will not be my roommate as he does not like me.  He will be Micah's new roomate on the fifth floor.  The room is not even close to being ready.  The color scheme I had did not fly so I agree to paint the room a new color.  The bonus is I got help with redoing the room which includes tearing out one of the lofts which opens the room a lot! Getting a new window much sooner, getting a new bathroom door, and the new paint scheme is beautiful.  The room is going to look 100% better than what I would have done with it.    Thank you Jesus ♥

I'm a confirmed loner. This is not something I have chosen for myself but nonetheless it is what it is.  For those who disagree with this....when was the last time YOU gave me an invite to fellowship? When was the last time I got invited to your home for a meal, or to watch a movie, or to fellowship? That's exactly right.  Oh, I got asked to tag along to a movie or dinner once or twice but the majority of the time a sat in my room all by myself. Day after day...night after night....alone.

There are a couple of people who like me here at JPUSA.  There several more who tolerate me.  The rest don't like me.  I can't tell you how many people I have tried to talk to or joke with or even smile at only to receive a cold look that says "Don't talk to me, I don't like you!"

Sigh. Story of my life.

I don't seem to fit in anywhere I go.  I'm always by myself. Alone. Always.  I get so lonely that my heart literally hurts.  Like as in physical pain.  I want to cry so often but the tears never seem to come. I'm sooooo tired of my heart breaking.  

Why do people look at me and see a monster?  Why do they look at me and only see an angry, hurtful monster? I'm that person that you cross the street when you see me . I'm that person who causes you to pull your child closer to yourself and away from me....I'm that person you whisper to your friend about how pathetic, and fat, and ugly I am.  I am that person you say is irritating. I am the person you dread seeing coming and hope that I don't talk to you, look at you, sit with you.

It never matters how much or little I try, things never change.

It's because of me...I don't even like me...I hate me.

Such a looser.

I have to go.

Yeah....this probably is a pity post and I am the loser you think I am.  

Friday Headache

So today is Friday and I have a headache. Now that my headline is explained I guess I can explain the explaination.  Which is to say that we as a society for the most part have conditioned ourselves to think of Friday as a day we really look forward to.  Especially if we have a job where we have off on the weekends.  Which is my case for the most part with the exception being the weeks I have team clean. That would be this week for me. 

My step-mom is in town visiting her son Jonathan who does not like me. She is going to be taking me to lunch and a movie.  I ate a little lunch so that I won't be hungry when we go and I can just get a small little something to nosh. Then we are going to go see the movie "Lincoln" which I have heard some great reviews. Daniel Day Lewis plays the lead.

So my headache is here and throbbing somewhat annoyingly.  Maybe I'm just trying to make myself sick so that I don't have to go.  Though I know that I don't have to go if I don't want to which is a half-truth.  It's too much to think about and it's not helping my headache so on to other things.

So what do you think of the color this week?  I thought instead of just changing the color of the font I could also change the color of the background.  Sheesh! This stupid headache is making it hard to type.  I keep having to retract and respell things.  ARG!

OK, I think that is more than enough for now.  I have to go.  Talk to you later.   

New Things

Testing one, two, three.

Ok this seems to be good enough.  So here I am and it's a Thursday night.  I have band practice in less than half an hour but Im sitting in my chair on the internet doing the pee dance because my roomate David decided to take a shower without telling me. LOL. 

As you know I wanted to start doing my blogs in different colors.  This has worked out for the most part but when I went to try the yellow font today I couldnt read it on the white background, hence the now black background.

So I was feeling better but relapsed last night.  I didnt go to work today and slept until noon.  I feel better now.

Oh! My new band! It's called Leper and the Scott Shaw is the founder.  The band has been around for many years and gone through many peoples. Right now it's Scott on guitar and vocals, me on bass and various girls on keyboad when they are availble.  Scott said we should start recording a new project soon which is exciting for me since I have always dreamt of recording but never have.

I have to ask him if we can record the song I wrote for my sister Melissa back when I was a teenager, I hope and pray he does.

Things are still going good in the kitchen and I love cooking. 

Anway, I have to get going.      

sick...

Todays blog is going to be short as I am not feeling well.  Not exactly sure what I'm fighting but it's icky :( .  So I took off early yesterday and I didn't go to work today as well.  My roommate David Serrano is moving out and this guy Arron will be moving in.  I am currently in room 302 but soon this room will be needed for the Landon's baby girl.  So I have been trying to fix up room 330 and this stupid thing that I am fighting is not helping matters at all. SIGH.  Well, I as soon as I am better I will hit that room hard and furious so I can move in as soon as possible.

Let's see I still need to mud a wall and portions of the ceiling and then scrap another wall that has been mudded and redo that one, finish painting, scrub and clean the floor, wash blankets and sheets, move in!

I have been reading scripture more and more each day and trying to pray more each day too.

OK I am out of here, God bless and take care.  

Yeshua ♥

Where is my hope? It is in Jesus the Christ,  Yeshua.   I was an enemy of God, full of pride, hate, arrogance, self-pity, self-righteousness, unable to control my temper. I was lustful, hateful, and the world revolved around my needs and what I could get out of life.

Then I met Jesus who had been calling to me since I was a child.

He accepted me just as I was when I was filthy, starving, arrogant, deceitful, lying, cheating, cussing, boastful, gossiping, negative, drunken, sexually immoral, and thieving mess of a man/child.

He came into my heart and life twenty-four years ago and no matter what "good" or "bad" I have done He has never left me and He has never forsaken me.

I have been through some extremely wonderful times in my life and I have been through some times I thought would kill me and everything in between.

Jesus the Christ has been my one consistency in my life that has given me the love I need and desire, the laughter I thought would never be there, the hope that would have never been there, the peace that lies within every inch of my body, and the joy that is not from this world or anything in this world but only from my Savior and has saved my life.

I am not the man I was when I started this journey that fateful night twenty-four years ago......I have fallen many times since and I have done and said things I regret with my whole being but God has been at work in me too and I find myself a kinder, gentler, and loving man of God because it is Jesus who lives in me.

I have done nothing to deserve Jesus or heaven but one day soon I will see Him with my eyes and rejoice, I will embrace Him in my arms and weep, I will know that I am not homesick any longer for I will be home at last and at last I will be truly happy.

I love you Yeshua, you are my everything and without you I am nothing. I can not imagine my life without you and I don't even want to try. You are my only reason for living and being and I never, ever want to leave you. All that I am and all that I have I freely and lovingly give to you for you are my Savior, my Lord, my King, and my God.

Amen

Time Off

So I thought I should post a new blog since I am now off work and sitting around just kinda putting off going to Target for a new pair of head phones. Hold on I got an IM on FB, BRB. OK so I'm back...or front...or side...not sure.

I think that I will write my blogs in small paragraphs as peoples attentions spans are small.  I know mine is.  Everytime I see a long post or blog I get all anxiety and if I attempt to read it at all I never get past the first few sentences without just scanning the rest of the page.

I'm sleepy.  This is not the first job I've had where I have to be in like at 5am and it always turns out the same.  After I get off work in the afternoon I am fighting to stay awake.  I cant do naps cause even in cases where my body shuts down on me for like 10-15 minutes then when it comes time to sleep like at 10pm or so I can't sleep cause I'm wide awake! Bleack.

So, I was thinking before I got this laptop that I would or could blog about everything and anything and I guess I am.  I should make this my homepage on FB, maybe then I might get some traffic.  My homepage says I have had some visitors but no one has commented on my blogs yet.

Who knows maybe I will start to get some interactions soon.  I'm going to reply to ALL comments though because it bums me out when I take time to comment on someones blog and I get ignored.  Not cool man. Not cool at all.

I really should get going to Target, but I'm listening to Ami Moss's CD and it is fantastic. So mellow, and soft, and wonderful. I love her voice and the musicians compliment her completly.

Restless

So I have been wanting to write my thoughts down for sometime now but as always I have been putting it off.  So now here I am..........sorry, I'm listing to praise and worship via YouTube.  I'm sitting in my room feeling somewhat anxious and I'm not sure why. Of course I'm depressed about my big fat belly that is in my freaking way as I try and type and it's also because of other distractions in my room that I am trying extremely hard to ignore...and failing..OK, not completely but enough to make me anxious.

Something just occurred to me...my writing looks good in red so I think I will do my posts in different colors. Probably just the hippie in my coming out again. Hahahahahaha.  I think it's going to look rather cool.  The weather is changing so my allergies have been really bad lately.  ICK. Eh, what are you gonna do, or rather what am I gonna do hahahahaha...nothing <------ said dryly.

I know what I'm going to do, serve God as I long to do.  Though I'm tired and I have a pressure in my head...again it's not a headache but a pressure big enough for me to notice.  It's just sinus pressure from the allergies I'm thinking. I do wake up in the morning with lots of phlegm which of course totally gross.  Things like that you just learn to deal with.

You will not know what I am about to say of course but I just got back to writing this blog.  After the last paragraph I wandered off on the internet to check my yahoo email and look at some other stuff. OK, OK, it was my FB account...busted.  Heh.

So we are about to go into the month of November and I can't believe how time has flown by. Whew. Goes so quickly. I think about death everyday and I start to get anxious about going to heaven.  God knows and I mean this quite literally just how evil my heart is. I long for the day when I am the man of God He has called me to be.  If I would just truly know in my heart that I am dead to sin and stop looking for acceptance, fulfillment and love outside of God then I would stop filling all the empty holes in my life with all that other junk.

It's not all bad though.  God had brought me such a very long way from where I used to be. What I am about to write is not for shock value or drama..just truth...I don't think I have ever said this out loud..to anyone.....OK for the glory of God (because He is the one who saved me from all of this)

I have tried to commit suicide at least four times in my life. Once when I was thirteen, once when I was nineteen or twenty, once when I  was twenty-seven, and once when I was twenty-eight.

I know some people will shake their heads and mutter coward...or worse. I can't justify why I tried. I just know my head was all screwed up and obviously I wasn't thinking straight.

This is too hard to write right now, I have to go....

bye.