sick...

Todays blog is going to be short as I am not feeling well.  Not exactly sure what I'm fighting but it's icky :( .  So I took off early yesterday and I didn't go to work today as well.  My roommate David Serrano is moving out and this guy Arron will be moving in.  I am currently in room 302 but soon this room will be needed for the Landon's baby girl.  So I have been trying to fix up room 330 and this stupid thing that I am fighting is not helping matters at all. SIGH.  Well, I as soon as I am better I will hit that room hard and furious so I can move in as soon as possible.

Let's see I still need to mud a wall and portions of the ceiling and then scrap another wall that has been mudded and redo that one, finish painting, scrub and clean the floor, wash blankets and sheets, move in!

I have been reading scripture more and more each day and trying to pray more each day too.

OK I am out of here, God bless and take care.  

Yeshua ♥

Where is my hope? It is in Jesus the Christ,  Yeshua.   I was an enemy of God, full of pride, hate, arrogance, self-pity, self-righteousness, unable to control my temper. I was lustful, hateful, and the world revolved around my needs and what I could get out of life.

Then I met Jesus who had been calling to me since I was a child.

He accepted me just as I was when I was filthy, starving, arrogant, deceitful, lying, cheating, cussing, boastful, gossiping, negative, drunken, sexually immoral, and thieving mess of a man/child.

He came into my heart and life twenty-four years ago and no matter what "good" or "bad" I have done He has never left me and He has never forsaken me.

I have been through some extremely wonderful times in my life and I have been through some times I thought would kill me and everything in between.

Jesus the Christ has been my one consistency in my life that has given me the love I need and desire, the laughter I thought would never be there, the hope that would have never been there, the peace that lies within every inch of my body, and the joy that is not from this world or anything in this world but only from my Savior and has saved my life.

I am not the man I was when I started this journey that fateful night twenty-four years ago......I have fallen many times since and I have done and said things I regret with my whole being but God has been at work in me too and I find myself a kinder, gentler, and loving man of God because it is Jesus who lives in me.

I have done nothing to deserve Jesus or heaven but one day soon I will see Him with my eyes and rejoice, I will embrace Him in my arms and weep, I will know that I am not homesick any longer for I will be home at last and at last I will be truly happy.

I love you Yeshua, you are my everything and without you I am nothing. I can not imagine my life without you and I don't even want to try. You are my only reason for living and being and I never, ever want to leave you. All that I am and all that I have I freely and lovingly give to you for you are my Savior, my Lord, my King, and my God.

Amen

Time Off

So I thought I should post a new blog since I am now off work and sitting around just kinda putting off going to Target for a new pair of head phones. Hold on I got an IM on FB, BRB. OK so I'm back...or front...or side...not sure.

I think that I will write my blogs in small paragraphs as peoples attentions spans are small.  I know mine is.  Everytime I see a long post or blog I get all anxiety and if I attempt to read it at all I never get past the first few sentences without just scanning the rest of the page.

I'm sleepy.  This is not the first job I've had where I have to be in like at 5am and it always turns out the same.  After I get off work in the afternoon I am fighting to stay awake.  I cant do naps cause even in cases where my body shuts down on me for like 10-15 minutes then when it comes time to sleep like at 10pm or so I can't sleep cause I'm wide awake! Bleack.

So, I was thinking before I got this laptop that I would or could blog about everything and anything and I guess I am.  I should make this my homepage on FB, maybe then I might get some traffic.  My homepage says I have had some visitors but no one has commented on my blogs yet.

Who knows maybe I will start to get some interactions soon.  I'm going to reply to ALL comments though because it bums me out when I take time to comment on someones blog and I get ignored.  Not cool man. Not cool at all.

I really should get going to Target, but I'm listening to Ami Moss's CD and it is fantastic. So mellow, and soft, and wonderful. I love her voice and the musicians compliment her completly.

Restless

So I have been wanting to write my thoughts down for sometime now but as always I have been putting it off.  So now here I am..........sorry, I'm listing to praise and worship via YouTube.  I'm sitting in my room feeling somewhat anxious and I'm not sure why. Of course I'm depressed about my big fat belly that is in my freaking way as I try and type and it's also because of other distractions in my room that I am trying extremely hard to ignore...and failing..OK, not completely but enough to make me anxious.

Something just occurred to me...my writing looks good in red so I think I will do my posts in different colors. Probably just the hippie in my coming out again. Hahahahahaha.  I think it's going to look rather cool.  The weather is changing so my allergies have been really bad lately.  ICK. Eh, what are you gonna do, or rather what am I gonna do hahahahaha...nothing <------ said dryly.

I know what I'm going to do, serve God as I long to do.  Though I'm tired and I have a pressure in my head...again it's not a headache but a pressure big enough for me to notice.  It's just sinus pressure from the allergies I'm thinking. I do wake up in the morning with lots of phlegm which of course totally gross.  Things like that you just learn to deal with.

You will not know what I am about to say of course but I just got back to writing this blog.  After the last paragraph I wandered off on the internet to check my yahoo email and look at some other stuff. OK, OK, it was my FB account...busted.  Heh.

So we are about to go into the month of November and I can't believe how time has flown by. Whew. Goes so quickly. I think about death everyday and I start to get anxious about going to heaven.  God knows and I mean this quite literally just how evil my heart is. I long for the day when I am the man of God He has called me to be.  If I would just truly know in my heart that I am dead to sin and stop looking for acceptance, fulfillment and love outside of God then I would stop filling all the empty holes in my life with all that other junk.

It's not all bad though.  God had brought me such a very long way from where I used to be. What I am about to write is not for shock value or drama..just truth...I don't think I have ever said this out loud..to anyone.....OK for the glory of God (because He is the one who saved me from all of this)

I have tried to commit suicide at least four times in my life. Once when I was thirteen, once when I was nineteen or twenty, once when I  was twenty-seven, and once when I was twenty-eight.

I know some people will shake their heads and mutter coward...or worse. I can't justify why I tried. I just know my head was all screwed up and obviously I wasn't thinking straight.

This is too hard to write right now, I have to go....

bye.

Sunday Antics

So today was kind of a slow day, because the hot water has been out for almost the enitre building I have not fully showered since last week.  I do make sure the important parts are kept clean if you know what I mean. LOL.  TMI?

So I just chilled and was online most of the day. Nate took me to the Riot Fest here in Chicago and I have to say it was pretty chill.  He really wanted to see the band Jesus&Mary Chain.  So we went and people watched for a while.  We kicked back on the grass by the farris wheel and took pics and laid back. I almost feel alseep while listening to the music. Then we went and saw Nates band.  I thought they were ok but Nate said he was disappointed, especially since they didnt play a lot of ther older stuff...well according to Nate they didnt..I wouldnt know.

We then came back and broke into the kitchen where I got spaghetti with meat sauce, three cold cut sandwhiches, and a piece of cake and vanilla ice cream thanks to Anastacia who is very cool.

I got to my room and my hand were full so I asked my next door neighbors the Winters if I could set my spaghetti down so I could open the door and they said yes.  Very cool.

I came into my room and flicked on the light switch whereupon the light flickered then burnt out.  Nice. LOL.

So I have been sitting here in the dark, surfing the web, mostly FB of course and I ate my sandwhiches and am now thinking about my bladder who is currently pestering me.

Today was one of those day that I didnt "feel" saved but I know that I am because it's what Jesus did on the cross not anything I have ever or could ever do.  All praise to my Yeshua!  I love you my God!

So I better close this out and go before me bladder gets in cahoots with my brain and I end up with a pissy blanket...that would not be cool.

Ok piss.....I mean peace out!

Nah, that gangster stuff dont work for me...so peace, love and vegetable rights man!

Love you!

TGIF

I just saw a post on FB that said TGIF stands for Today God Is First! Amen to that baby!

So when I was thinking about when I got my laptop I was going to be doing these blogs I had all kinds of ideas for what I would write about.  I would be at the coffee shop drinking a latte and waxing either profoundly or humorously about lifes quirks,

So far.......meh.

So tonight is Friday night and I''m not really doing anything special.  Just kinda hanging out I suppose and doing lil things that need to be done to my youtube, and fb accounts. 

You don't know it but I'm sitting here just staring at the screen waiting for genius to pop into my head.....

Waiting.............


Waiting.................


Typing and waiting......................


Typing and farting and waiting................


OK I totally made up that last one...though my friend Amy would be all like "Sure you did" just cause a couple of times I crashed at her pad and I was a lil gassy, she should talk though because I have seen her blow a mean butt trumpet too! Hahahahahahahahahaha.

OK well thats it for now, I'm getting too bored and so I'm outta here.

Peace, love, and vegetable rights.

The Fat Of It All

Man! I had a really sweet blog going on like 3 hours ago and got kicked off so I lost everything. Grrrrr.  So what I had orginally put was that I was going to make my blogs into small paragraphs as I know that most people have short attention spans including me. 

When I see a loooooong post or blog I almost always get all anxious and start skipping over stuff.  Especially if the blog or post is like one huge sentence.  LOL.  Small little paragraphs like this are much easier to deal with.

So what to speak about now? Hmmm....so many things come to mind, but where to start?  How bout my personal appearence?  Right now I am trying to grow out my hair...I believe it's been just over a year since I've had my last real haircut.  I can put it into a small ponytail right now which is good because I believe your hair grows faster if it's tied back at the early stages.

about ten years ago I wieghed my heaviest which was 260 lbs.  I then did and extreme diet and went down to 202.  Since then I bounced back up to 245 which was four years ago and since then I dropped to 235 and then 230 and then hit the gym hardcore for 3 months and worked out for 3-5 hours a day and went down to 217 but because of all the weight lifting I was doing I was getting lean.

I then went back up to 235 after I stopped working out and it took me over a year to get back there and I had went back to eating crud and sitting on my butt all the time.

Currently I am a 220 but no where close to looking like I did at 217 because I had been working out and now Im just not eating on some days and being stupid on others. I just can seem to get it together to exercise or really do something about my weight...except complain of course.

OK, so there we have it for today.  Got some things I need to do so I will end this blog and hopefully we will see you tomorrow.