The Walk

Through my life the steps that I've taken
on freshly cut grass so gentle and fragrant
soft, green blades pushing up against my feet
between my toes, reaching up to tickle my ankles
I stop and wonder, pausing to take in the moment
I delight in the newness as the silkiness touches
for a moment and then it's gone.


My feet have also walked upon shattered glass
and rocks jaded and sharp scattered
by both chance and enemies of my heart
my first journey across this wasteland
dropped me to my knees
caused my heart to stumble
fear became an ever present companion


Closed up in myself withdrawn and afraid
I will not hurt, I will not be hurt
I will travel on the indifferent sands
of complacency numbly taking each step
unaware, not hearing, not seeing
no soft green grass, nor shattered glass
just endless will draining sand.


I've lived much longer than I thought I would
I done things and said things that cause regret
in my bed alone at night, I speak with God
He alone can hold me so I no longer shake
His words are comfort, He forgives me again
His love is never withheld, it is why I go on
to walk on the grass, the glass, the sand.

Compassion,

I don't know what happened to me that I'm so concerned, scratch that, overly concerned about what people think of me or my thoughts, or my appearance, etc. I think I've allowed people who have hurt me too much of my life. It's probably not entirely incorrect that I've allowed the people that I've hurt too much of my life as well. 

If I could go back and undo every single action and word that has brought anyone I've come into contact with any pain or suffering..........would I do it?  Would it help them? On the surface that seems like a stupid question.  Then I think about all the pain I've gone though and how much I've grown from it.

So here I am in Chicago, wondering yet again, just what on earth am I doing here.  Living in a place that doesn't seem to want me. Sigh. I don't know.  I really am now convinced that I was born to be a loner. I used to think that romantic or whatever but it's just really lonely.  It's not like that all the time either.  Once in a great while God sends someone with a sensitive soul to spend some time with me but all the others that God lays on their heart to spend time with me, talking, laughing, or other just ignore God's promptings and consider it their good deed for the day when they allow me to talk or joke with them.

I see the same people who tense up when I call their name, laughing or talking with many other people just seconds after they allow me a couple of minutes while they stand there with a look of patience that adults give to rambling children.  It's also pretty rare when people come to me to start a conversation but rather I'm the one who has to.

Screw this self-pity crap.  I'm pretty funny and interesting, screw them if they don't know it. God loves me and always has time for me.  The hardest part is loving people they way God wants me to love them even though they consider me a waste of time and effort. God has been giving me the strength to do this cause on my own there is no way I can. I continue to talk to people who ignore me, who blow me off, who dismiss me...a lot.  The sad thing is most people talk once in a while to me so they don't know how much more often they dismiss me or ignore me. I have to leave that between them and God though. He's got it under control.  I gotta pee brb

So here I am again...yay.  I think I'm done blogging though. At least for now.  Can't say when I'm going to blog again cause you've seen my track record, heh.  Might be a day or two, might be a month or more.  So enjoy my sporadic and strange ramblings while you can cause I might not be on this earth too much longer, of course only God knows when I'm supposed to go.  

Till then...........