I can't speak for anyone else but myself. Should be obvious, yet most times the obvious must be stated. Even then the capacity for misunderstanding is great. Still to not clarify or at least attempt to clarify oneself would result in even greater confusion.
The problem that I find with myself is not that I lack any semblance of intelligence, though I once thought myself stupid. Still do on occasion, however, I with God's help have been learning to cut myself some slack more and more. It's not like I don't have anything to say. Quite the contrary, I have a lot to share given my proclivity for reclusive tendencies. I can't begin to count how may sermons, talks, blogs, shares, twitters, status updates, poems, lyrics, bass lines, guitar lines, the beginning of books that I have had in my head, only to fail to get them down on paper or computer.
I am at a loss for why this is. Even the rare times when I do sit down to write out thoughts, they often come quicker than I can write or type and then the begin to jumble like they are trying to all pour out of a huge container that has a small bottle neck opening. No, that's not it. It's more like a huge container that allows everything to spill out all at once and thus some of the contents end up on the floor....forever wasted....gone. Try as I might it would be like trying to pick up water off the floor with your bare hands. You're hands may get wet but the small amount of water can not quench your thirst.
I actually came online for the purpose of talking about this and my health. I can not even begin to explain my body. So I will just type what I know.
I have allergies, like most people. My eyes water and turn red, my left eye more so than my right eye. I get sinus headaches which are a complete bummer and too often I have more excess mucas than I care for. I have diagnosed with diabetes for several years now but rarely beyond the occasional pill do anything for it. Which is slowly catching up with me. Four months ago I was told I needed reading glasses for near sightedness even though my far sightedness vision was becoming more of a blurry daily occurrence. Today I was watching a movie alone in my room when I had to use the bathroom. As I was pondering the topics of this blog I noticed my vision was blurred. Not just writing but everything. I sat at my computer and saw the same thing. Blurry. Suspecting something I did not want to acknowledge I put on my glasses and went to the bathroom. Sure enough. Without glasses...blurry. With glasses...fine. Sigh. I may need to wear them more than I had thought or was told. A friend had said that the more you wear glasses the worse your eyes become. I wonder if I don't wear them at all would the reverse be true. You really don't have to answer that, I know it's just wishful thinking.
Here's the truly remarkable thing about my body....my life.....
I have survived four suicide attempts, drinking beyond excess that should have given me alcohol poising, hard core drugs and just blatant stupidity including having unprotected sex with more strangers than I care to admit and one guy who had full blown AIDS. The guy with AIDS happened in 1998 and since then I was tested for HIV in 2002 and was negative and again just four months ago and am still HIV negative.
You can not tell me there is no God and that it is only His grace and mercy that have kept me safe. Even as I write this it seems from a certain point of view to be shallow and trite as there are many people who are living with AIDS and HIV......does that mean God's grace and mercy isn't extended to them as well?
I do not know.
I don't.
I think I've said all that I wanted to say for today. I'm going to get back to my movie.
Thanks for your time. Oh, I got an awesomely, wonderful text from my sister Melissa today. I'm still riding on the cloud of love. <3
