new song lyrics?

I was Too Weak by Kenneth Maese

I'm sorry that I let you down 

I'm sorry that I didn't think 

I'm never sure how I really sound 

I'm not sure if I'm broke or it's just a kink 

in my soul 

in my mind 

in my heart 

in my life......... 

I was too weak

to know how to stand on my own 

I was too weak  

to take control of my own life 

I let it beat me down 

The choices that I made 

were all I knew 

though I tried to understand 

I was too weak 

Now life has begun to pass me by 

I think of where I've been 

all those years that have slipped away 

bridges burned no return 

it started when I lost my innocence  

my world, my life, my choice 

all alone in the dark of the night 

I try to cry though no tears form 

an empty echo within my barren chest 

I have a beautiful family 

my children run to me happily 

they cry daddy as they leap into my arms 

the love of my life is standing near 

just when I can't be any happier 

I wake to find I'm all alone 

it's just a dream 

it's just a dream 

it's just a dream 

I never want to wake from

unwritten blogs

As you may have noticed, I don't blog nearly half as much as I say I will.  I have always wondered why that is.  I think I may have the answer though.

Maybe not.

As I was going to type my thoughts my mind was instantly flooded with voices of people saying things like "You're over thinking"  and "It's all in your head"  and similar things.

I just started this post but already I'm discouraged and will be stopping due to multiple error messages that keep popping up.

Sigh.

Until next time.

Dead

Silence fills the empty space,
light and warmth have fled.
voices from the past
argue in my head
refusing to allow peace in.
I listen as they shout
condemnation is what they serve
my tears are my bitter drink.
In the distance I hear a knock
it's faint and it barely registers
to my ears or heart.
I long to go to see who would knock
If at long last relief has arrived.
The silence presses me back
I can not rise I can not walk
I can not think I can not breathe
I can not
live. 

Blogging and Other Undone Moments

I can't speak for anyone else but myself. Should be obvious, yet most times the obvious must be stated. Even then the capacity for misunderstanding is great. Still to not clarify or at least attempt to clarify oneself would result in even greater confusion.

The problem that I find with myself is not that I lack any semblance of intelligence, though I once thought myself stupid. Still do on occasion, however, I with God's help have been learning to cut myself some slack more and more. It's not like I don't have anything to say. Quite the contrary, I have a lot to share given my proclivity for reclusive tendencies. I can't begin to count how may sermons, talks, blogs, shares, twitters, status updates, poems, lyrics, bass lines, guitar lines, the beginning of books that I have had in my head, only to fail to get them down on paper or computer.

I am at a loss for why this is.  Even the rare times when I do sit down to write out thoughts, they often come quicker than I can write or type and then the begin to jumble like they are trying to all pour out of a huge container that has a small bottle neck opening.  No, that's not it. It's more like a huge container that allows everything to spill out all at once and thus some of the contents end up on the floor....forever wasted....gone.  Try as I might it would be like trying to pick up water off the floor with your bare hands.  You're hands may get wet but the small amount of water can not quench your thirst.

I actually came online for the purpose of talking about this and my health. I can not even begin to explain my body. So I will just type what I know.

I have allergies, like most people.  My eyes water and turn red, my left eye more so than my right eye. I get sinus headaches which are a complete bummer and too often I have more excess mucas than I care for.  I have diagnosed with diabetes for several years now but rarely beyond the occasional pill do anything for it. Which is slowly catching up with me.  Four months ago I was told I needed reading glasses for near sightedness even though my far sightedness vision was becoming more of a blurry daily  occurrence. Today I was watching a movie alone in my room when I had to use the bathroom. As I was pondering the topics of this blog I noticed my vision was blurred. Not just writing but everything.  I sat at my computer and saw the same thing. Blurry.  Suspecting something I did not want to acknowledge I put on my glasses and went to the bathroom.  Sure enough.  Without glasses...blurry. With glasses...fine.  Sigh.  I may need to wear them more than I had thought or was told.  A friend had said that the more you wear glasses the worse your eyes become. I wonder if I don't wear them at all would the reverse be true.  You really don't have to answer that, I know it's just wishful thinking.

Here's the truly remarkable thing about my body....my life.....

I have survived four suicide attempts, drinking beyond excess that should have given me alcohol poising, hard core drugs and just blatant stupidity including having unprotected sex with more strangers than I care to admit and one guy who had full blown AIDS.  The guy with AIDS happened in 1998 and since then I was tested for HIV in 2002 and was negative and again just four months ago and am still HIV negative.

You can not tell me there is no God and that it is only His grace and mercy that have kept me safe.  Even as I write this it seems from a certain point of view to be shallow and trite as there are many people who are living with AIDS and HIV......does that mean God's grace and mercy isn't extended to them as well?

I do not know.

I don't.

I think I've said all that I wanted to say for today. I'm going to get back to my movie.

Thanks for your time. Oh, I got an awesomely, wonderful text from my sister Melissa today.  I'm still riding on the cloud of love. <3

The Walk

Through my life the steps that I've taken
on freshly cut grass so gentle and fragrant
soft, green blades pushing up against my feet
between my toes, reaching up to tickle my ankles
I stop and wonder, pausing to take in the moment
I delight in the newness as the silkiness touches
for a moment and then it's gone.


My feet have also walked upon shattered glass
and rocks jaded and sharp scattered
by both chance and enemies of my heart
my first journey across this wasteland
dropped me to my knees
caused my heart to stumble
fear became an ever present companion


Closed up in myself withdrawn and afraid
I will not hurt, I will not be hurt
I will travel on the indifferent sands
of complacency numbly taking each step
unaware, not hearing, not seeing
no soft green grass, nor shattered glass
just endless will draining sand.


I've lived much longer than I thought I would
I done things and said things that cause regret
in my bed alone at night, I speak with God
He alone can hold me so I no longer shake
His words are comfort, He forgives me again
His love is never withheld, it is why I go on
to walk on the grass, the glass, the sand.

Compassion,

I don't know what happened to me that I'm so concerned, scratch that, overly concerned about what people think of me or my thoughts, or my appearance, etc. I think I've allowed people who have hurt me too much of my life. It's probably not entirely incorrect that I've allowed the people that I've hurt too much of my life as well. 

If I could go back and undo every single action and word that has brought anyone I've come into contact with any pain or suffering..........would I do it?  Would it help them? On the surface that seems like a stupid question.  Then I think about all the pain I've gone though and how much I've grown from it.

So here I am in Chicago, wondering yet again, just what on earth am I doing here.  Living in a place that doesn't seem to want me. Sigh. I don't know.  I really am now convinced that I was born to be a loner. I used to think that romantic or whatever but it's just really lonely.  It's not like that all the time either.  Once in a great while God sends someone with a sensitive soul to spend some time with me but all the others that God lays on their heart to spend time with me, talking, laughing, or other just ignore God's promptings and consider it their good deed for the day when they allow me to talk or joke with them.

I see the same people who tense up when I call their name, laughing or talking with many other people just seconds after they allow me a couple of minutes while they stand there with a look of patience that adults give to rambling children.  It's also pretty rare when people come to me to start a conversation but rather I'm the one who has to.

Screw this self-pity crap.  I'm pretty funny and interesting, screw them if they don't know it. God loves me and always has time for me.  The hardest part is loving people they way God wants me to love them even though they consider me a waste of time and effort. God has been giving me the strength to do this cause on my own there is no way I can. I continue to talk to people who ignore me, who blow me off, who dismiss me...a lot.  The sad thing is most people talk once in a while to me so they don't know how much more often they dismiss me or ignore me. I have to leave that between them and God though. He's got it under control.  I gotta pee brb

So here I am again...yay.  I think I'm done blogging though. At least for now.  Can't say when I'm going to blog again cause you've seen my track record, heh.  Might be a day or two, might be a month or more.  So enjoy my sporadic and strange ramblings while you can cause I might not be on this earth too much longer, of course only God knows when I'm supposed to go.  

Till then...........

Lyrics for a song?

It's been a long hard road
lately I've been freed
from the burden that is me
though the pain of heartache lingers
like a piece of glass stuck in my soul
I've seen and tasted the goodness of the King

will you bring me home
will you stay with me
will your hand hold mine
and never let me go
I've yearned for you
I've searched for you
yet your love shines for me in the middle of confusion
I'll follow where you will go

Search me Lord inside and out
purify me completely
I am your vessel let your blood 
cleanse make me holy like you
Holy Spirit fill me completely
let your fruit fill me to overflowing
I will worship you with my life
hold me fast, hold me tight
I cling with all of my might

Stumped

So.....wow..........I could have sworn I had done at least one or two posts this year for this blog page. I have another blog page that I know I have posted on this year.  When I came to do this post however I noticed that no, my last post was December of last year.

Weird.

Maybe not though. I sometimes think I've done things that apparently I have not.  You would think this would distress me but at this point it doesn't. Huh.

OK, let me bring you up to speed on where I am right now.  

Today is my first day feeling almost one hundred percent after having a bad stomach virus for the last four to five days.  

It was not good. Enough said.

So I get up this morning and do my laundry, get some coffee which means a small cup of black JPUSA coffee (don't ask, if you have never lived here you won't get it) and then a regular cup of Linda's chocolate coffee (extra chocolate *per Linda).  'Scuse me while I go pee. Yes, I know you didn't need to know that but it's my blog ding dang doogity doo. Great, now my bladder hurts from typing all that instead of goi

OK, I'm back.

Where was I.....oh, yes.....(ha, I blanked out again.) I then came to my room and played some bass along to YouTube videos of Kansas (Carry On My Wayward Son) Zeppelin (Ten Years Gone), and someone else but I don't recall right now.  Then after chatting with my roomie for awhile I went to Don Hills CD release party. Which I am currently listening to and totally into. The album is his band Millipede and the title is "A Mist and a Vapor". Heh. It actually just ended as I was typing that. 
Wait, no...it's still playing. Sweet.

Funny. My writing style is not something I would exactly imagine myself having with all the "sweets" and what have you.  I don't know why but I would prefer my writing style to be more...um....geez......intellectual? Which is highly ironic since I had to just spell check intellectual. At any rate I have always imagined myself a more romantic type author.  Maybe of the C.S Lewis influence (apologies to those who just spit coffee/water/soda/liquor all over their monitor) and have come up only as a second rate S.E. Hinton. Sigh. So be it.

I'm actually just pretty happy that I'm doing it at all.  Oh, and I'd like to mention that I have just noticed for the first time today that I see people have been viewing my blogs.  I had actually been under the impression that no one ever read my stuff.  I was basing that on the lack of comments which is sparse at best.

Sometimes there are no words for what you read though. Seems to be the general reaction to my thoughts whether spoken or written. Hahahahahaha. I actually right now find that to be very amusing. Oh, in case you haven't guessed I'm riding a caffeine high right now as during Dons CD release party I had a large latte at Everybody's Coffee which I didn't even finish. 

Whew.

I called my mom but go her answering machine, called my dad and spoke to Dodie, called my sister my no answer and no answering machine.  I think I'll try my mom again after I end this. Which I should do right now.

BTW when I was sick I was feeling a low to no connection with God but when I awoke this morning, I felt just covered in His love and presence. It was truly wonderful. 

That's it for now.  Leave a comment if you want.

No pressure of course.

I will try to be back more often to actually blog and not just think about blogging or rather think that I actually did blog and didn't.

Bye.....for now.