Decemeber 31st, 2013

It is December 31st, 2013. Last day for the year 2013.

Freshly showered and planning on heading down to the New Years Eve party in the garden room at Jesus People USA.  

I called my mom and we had a good talk, called my dad and had a good talk with his answering machine, called my sister and since the phone just rang and rang I eventually just hung up.  Her and Gary must be out somewhere. 

I should review the 2013, after all isn't that what your supposed to do? Oh, I am also at this moment listening to Aracely Bock on iTunes.  I have only bought two of her songs off her new album "Say Your Name" and "Here I Am".   Really loving them both.

So this past year has seen some  mostly uneventful times, some hectic times, some craziness, some heartbreaks, some break trough's.  Pretty much your average life.   God has been molding me, cleansing me....actually I am all those things already I am in the process of accepting and knowing who I am in Yeshua. So hard when all my life I have been (now I'm listening to Brian S Reed - "More Love To Thee" )  hearing what a horrible person I am.

So I just had some flashbacks of exchanges between me and my dad and I started shoveling food in my face. I'm not hungry. Sigh. I still have such a very long way to go.

I'm still being rejected by people on a daily basis.  The thing is (The Calling - Wherever You Will God) most people don't even know they are rejecting me.  Most people say I'm a like able guy that people think highly of and yet here I sit night after night all alone.  Once in a great while someone will ask me to do things, oh yeah...I know what your gonna say...I DO ask people to do things and sometimes it happens but most times I get some kind of lame excuse.

Living here at JPUSA has not changed this.  Same stuff I always have to deal with.  It's for sure not all bad though. (FFH - Better Is One Day) I have had some amazing times, laughed until my stomach hurt, felt love like I've never felt before, met some wonderful people and so on. 

Next year should be pretty adventures as well.  Believe it or not but I really want to perfect a British accent. Hahahahahahaha I know...weird.  I am also going to continue to try and move to Israel.  That is my hearts desire. 

My complete and utter hearts desire is to seek the face of God with every fiber of my entire being. To live completely and utterly for God and God alone. 

I also need to get (Foreigner - Blue Monday, Blue Morning) a divorce from Paulina. She has not answered any of my emails for over two months.  I wonder what's going on with her.  I wish she would just let me go.  She hates me so much...people say it gives her some kind of twisted pleasure to play with my head.  Like how a cat "plays" with a mouse before killing it. 

I should brush my teeth and go.  Hopefully I will do a much better job with this blog next year.

Happy New Year.

Yeshua is Lord!!!

Tumblr

I always say I should blog more but then I get conflicted thoughts about how no one wants to read what I have to say but then I think is my blog for me or them? At any rate I found a couple of things on Tumblr I wanted to share.  

Here they are:

“The beauty of Christ is His love for us is not dependent of our love for ourselves. He loves us whether we love ourselves or not. He loves us if the sun is up or the sun is set. He loves us when it rains and when it shines. He loves us whether we think He does or not.
How do I know this? Because He created a world that denied Him, but He still loved us and instead of destroying us (Because that would be the case if He didn’t.) He came down, lived with us, laughed with us, cried with us and ultimately died for us.
Christ’s love for us is within His very DNA; No matter what you think, Christ loves you, even if you don’t feel Him. He will always love you.
” 

and

“I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up, let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face, or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me, and you’re just fun and you harass me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day, to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you, which is that I’m crazy about you. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you. It’s like a condition, it’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if i can’t be with you and I can’t be with you, so I’m gonna die and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you, and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back? It’s like, greedy.” 

 

My birthday 2013

Here is a run down of my birthday this year....pretty much as it happened. :)

I am actually going to start the night before around 7pm.

So I am actually scheduled to get a tat from our local ink artist Edie, she is awesome at what she does. A  recent good friend asks to tag along so I say yes.  I get to my appointment at 7 but am asked to return half an hour later.  So I go with my friend David and hang out in his room just shooting the breeze.  7:30pm rolls around and we to back and I spend the next 3 hours getting new ink.

Here it is.

So around two hours into this, David says he has to make a phone call and then disappears for quite awhile.  I think he just got tired and went home, but no, after awhile he shows back up.

Once the tat is complete, I thank Edie then me and David leave, me to my room and him to his.  When I get to my room it is dark as my roommate is asleep since he has to get up at 5am for kitchen duty while I took the day off for my birthday.  I get ready in the dark and hit the sack.

I sleep until 8:30am when my dad calls to wish me a happy birthday but I don't answer since I'm half asleep.  I crawl down from my tiny "loft" and notice on my desk is a present and a card.  I think right away my roommate did this and get happy.  I'm just about to text him thanks when I think I should wait till I read the card.  So I go get breakfast (since it's Friday breakfast is sausage gravy, buttermilk biscuits, and fried eggs) when I get back to my room I settle in before my computer and open the usual windows such as FB, emails, ect.  Then I open the card to find out it's from DAVID!!!!! THAT SNEAK!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Turns out when he when to make a phone call he really went to Target and got me a birthday present and a birthday card! :D  The present was a pair of running underwear that prevents chaffing and something he knew I needed.  What a great brother in Christ he is!!!! 

So I spend time on FB thanking people for the incoming b-day wishes, so much love on FaceBook that day it was truly wonderful (the awesome birthday wishes came until late that night).  Then I go downstairs for lunch and as I am grabbing a grilled cheese another good friend Carriane came into the lunch room with some birthday cupcakes and everyone sang "happy birthday"to me!!! Sweet!

I go outside with a cupcake and grilled cheese and flute so I could jam while I wait for some other friends to join me for some praise and worship.

After awhile no one shows up so I wander inside and find them all there in out of the heat hahahaha so we jam a bit of praise and worship....loved it.

Afterwards I go back to my room and jump online for awhile and then me and a really good friend Micah go to Byrons where he treats me to a triple cheeseburger with bacon and fries with cheesy sauce.  YUMMERS!!!!!!!

We then watch chow down and then head downstairs where another good friend Scott C sets up in the Garden room so we can watch some Monty Python.

This is Micah

This is Scott C

About 8PM I head upstairs cause Aracely B had asked me to play keyboards for praise and worship but after a few minutes it is painfully obvious that my skills have rusted way worse than I had thought.  So I am leaving (very embarressed btw) when Rosalie asks me to play bass instead of her, at first I say no but then give it a try and long story short I am playing bass tomorrow for church service. YAY!!!!!!! (sorry, no picture for this part)

Going back to my room I see my roommate is asleep (he had to be up like 4am or something crazy like that for a side job) so I quietly jumped online for an hour and continued to thank people for birthday wishes and then I posted a last thank you for the night and went to bed so very happy after the best birthday I have ever had....ever.

Oh, I had great phone (yes, me who hates talking on the phone) conversations with Dodie, Dad and of course mom.  Melissa did not send me an email or call....I can't believe she forgot me.... and even though I got a birthday wish from Santos (brother-in-law) I got nothing from my sister Christen. *sigh*.  Well, besides those two really hurtful things I sincerely had the best birthday I have ever, ever had.  

God is soooooo good....always!!!

Thank you Abba for another year you have blessed me with, thank you Yeshua for my salvation and for forgiving me of ALL my sins but especially for the gift of forgiving others for hurting me (I could never do this without you Yeshua) and Holy Spirit for guiding me, loving me, and always speaking truth and nothing but truth to me no matter what.

I will always serve God not matter what.  Amen.

Thanks for taking time to read my birthday blog, God bless you and keep you.

Kenneth

Blogging in my sleep

So here it is on a Sunday morning about 2AM.  I should be in bed but I am sleepily protesting having to be in bed by 9pm Mon thru Fri. Heh.

I am yawning and what not but that's OK.  

In the past I have posted blogs and entries and such while I was tired like this and while it may not amuse anyone else at the very least I was amused later as I re-read my writing. Whew that was one very long run on sentence.

What to talk about.........hmmmmm.......There is always Micah Miller.  He's a pretty cool dude.  Good friend and makes me laugh constantly.  There is David T a new friend who I had a great talk with the night before last.  He is one of the most beautifully spirit sensitive guys I have had the pleasure to meet. There is also Carrianne who is funny, awesome and very honestly direct in all her conversation.  I really like her.  My roommate and fellow kitchen worker is also very awesome and though we sometimes get on each others nerves I can't imagine working or living with anyone else right now.  I had to leave him nameless though as he doesn't like his name "out there".  Don't blame him though.

The past couple of days have been pretty cool although I did NOT run this past week.  Today I bought a pair of running shoes so I am now pretty stoked about running on Tuesday.  Break them in and all of that.  I need to buy a pair of black running shorts from Unique on Monday as all prices are half off so a pair of shorts that would be four bucks will only be two! Yippee!

I'm not sure how far I will try to run but my running days are Tue, Wed, Thur, and Sat.  So I may run 5 miles, 4 miles, 5 miles, 10 miles (or 12....wow, I MUST be tired).

I should go lie down in bed, have a nice talk with God, then sleep in His loving arms....I really love doing that.

I should also call my dad soon.  Talked with my mom today and she sent me some b-day money early so I could have a great weekend and then will send me more on my actual b-day (this month on the 19th) so I can have a great weekend then as well. Awesome!  My mommy loves me!

This should about wrap up my mostly asleep blog for now so I can hit the sack as they like to say and not I do not know who they are but I do know that they talk a lot.  Heh.

Because it is so late and I am really super tired I am going to include a random picture with my blog today! Lucky you the reader.....hahahahahahahahaha...who am I kidding? Nobody reads my blog!

Well...just in case....here is the random picture.

Well that's nice. 

Me and a large chicken burrito....which means the burrito has chicken meat in it...not that the burrito is afraid of something....although it could be afraid of me....after all I'm all checking it out, licking my chops and stuff....I would be afraid or "chicken" too!  So in conclusion it is a chicken burrito in every sense of the word.....s....... yeah...we'll go with that.

So now I am really off to bed....hmmmmmm....tired....off.......should I go there?

Nah.

Lucky you.....again.


Nighty night!

My first and last Cornerstone Festival

So for what it's worth, here is my only memory for last years Cornerstone Festival 2012.

My first and last Cornerstone Festival.

Since I had never been to a CF I had no preconceived ideas on what to expect. Me and other first timers (all of us on the home crew back at JPUSA) arrived at the train station and picked up by Timothy Kleinert and then taken to the festival.

As we rode around Tim pointed out the different places we would be working (I worked the night shift in the coffee house in the main tent) and where we would sleep. I can remember thinking that this place was HUGE. So many tents with food and laughter and worship and biblical teachings/preachings and tears. Volleyball, people joy riding golf carts, music everywhere all kinds of music!

My days were filled with endless wandering around and people watching (lots of wonderful and interesting characters at CF's), eating delicious food, refreshing my spirit in the prayer tent and the all day bible teachings, dancing with joy while bands such as Glenn Kaiser, Ami Alison Moss, SkotandRachel Shaw, Soil and Sun, Laruen Mann, Aracely Bock, The Crossing, and many other shared their gifts with us.

Did I mention that I worked the coffee house? Which meant I got to enjoy and soak in all that wonderful music at night while preparing endless amounts of Tai coffees, mochas, lattes, mint teas (lots of coffee for me too lol).

I made some wonderful new friends at the festival and have even more amazing conversations and sharings with brothers and sisters of like faith.

After the festival was done, I stayed behind to help clean and sort through the aftermath as people slowly and mostly with regret packed and returned home with only memories of their last every CF.

It was truly bitter sweet as I tried to etch many details into my mind as I could. Finally the last day of clean up was there and after a meal of homemade ribs cooked by Andrea Spicer, of which ribs I still dream about till this day, a few of us got into Glenn's van and we slowly made our way back home.

Thank you for my one and only memory Cornerstone Festival, it is one that I will always cherish and hold close in my heart

Time for Venting

First of all I want to say that I know it can be pretty agravating when people who blog or post status updates on social media sights are always complaining about one thing or another.  I get it.  I really don't like reading what people's latest gripes are either.  

On the other hand not everything is always sunshine and roses, even when your a Christian or sometimes especially when your a Christian.

So today is going to be a "vent" day for me because I am sad and tired and lonely.

I have a hard time making and keeping friends and as my ex once pointed out I have a bad habit of shutting people out of my life if I even THINK they are going to hurt me.  It also does not help that I don't have any family I can really, truly count on or know that they truly love me.  The only way I can put this in prospective is to try and figure this out as I write.

I will go down the list of family and give what I feel and to the best of my knowledge what is going on.  Here goes.

Dad - I don't remember anything but a couple of instances now and then from when I was a child (granted this could be just my really bad memory though).  We had a strained relationship for all my childhood, teen years and....well pretty much my whole life.  He loves me because he feels he has to as I am his oldest son.  When my life is on track then I am ok in his eyes and he is happy with a phone call once every six months or so as long as they are short.  When I mess up in life though I am a "worthless person, who will never amount to anything and will never change." On his list of priorities I am low, under Dodie, Christen, Kamryn, God, Alyssa, Sara, Derek, Evan, Melissa, Gary, (maybe I am here...somewhere)

Mom - Don't remember to much as but just like dad could be due to bad memory.  She loves me no matter what but loves me when I am meeting her standards of acceptable behavior (this blog would not fall under that catagory).  Unlike my dad she has been there for me when I really need her and she has been a source of love and strength in my life.  We have had many ugly, ugly fights and just a couple of months ago I made a promise to God to never be ugly in word or deed to my mom again.  She really does not understand how bad it hurts me when I give her things because I want to bless her and she either gives them away or returns them to me without caring. On her list of priorities I am pretty high like as in Melissa, me, sisters (my aunts), brothers (my uncles), grandkids.

Melissa - She loves me because I am her brother and we have been through a lot together.  She never understood how much it hurt to give her Christmas presents and never get one from her just to watch her open many, many presents from her husband, kids, parents, me, ect.  She has her family, I have no one.  On her list of priorities I fall pretty low as well.  I think it's kids, husband, job, sports, parents, cousins (such as Avedona), me.....

Donnie - We get along ok for being I was a horrible step-brother.

Jonathan - He can't stand me but wont tell me why.

Christen - She loves me cause I am her half brother, otherwise has nothing to do with me for the most part.

So I have four siblings which means I have three nieces and one nephew (one more nephew to arrive in September)  two nieces and the one nephew are from Melissa and the other niece with a nephew on the way is from Christen.  Donnie doesn't want kids and Jonathan is gay.  I have never been asked to stand up at any of the weddings or be part of the celebration other than an invitation that the neighbor would get.  Christen had all her siblings but me in her wedding.  Having three nieces and two nephews you would think I would be asked to be a Godparent at least once but I have not been asked.

As of this date, I have one friend Micah who really is a good friend.  Other than that I don't have any friends who keep in touch with me.

So I don't have any friends really and no family who really want anything to do with me.

I have God though. If it were not for God I would have killed myself a very long time ago.  I know I tried four different times in my life times and obviously was not successful.

Well, that's enough whining for now, sorry to have taken up your time with the pouting and self-pity.

Next blog with be more up beat I promise.

Hard times still better with God than without

I think about this blog every once in a while and how I thought I would be in a cool coffee house with some good coffee or tea just blogging my little heart out every day.  Well as you can see my blogs are pretty rare and I usually blog from the living room down the hall from where my room is.  Not very exciting I suppose heh.

So I should be downstairs making deviled eggs for the Benders going away party but since I have compulsive procristination syndrome or CPS as I just now made up...especially since I misspelled procrastination (<-------ha! got it right!) I am instead blogging.

Today was the CCO (Cornerstone Community Outreach)  Hunger Walk  2013, no it's nothing like the Hunger Games.  We had a very good turnout with 80 people from JPUSA showing up and thrown in 40 more people from churches the CCO office and we did good for hungry people all over Chicago.  Praise God, to you goes all the glory Father God!!!

I guess I should go downstairs to make that food since I really want to go The Crossing concert tonight!  It's always a good time at a Crossing concert! I may work the merch table for them as well.

This past week has been really bad but good for me as I have gone through some really hard struggles concerning my Christian walk.  I was in a pretty bad place.  God finally had to give me some peace just to pull me through it. While I am still seeking answers for the questions I have at least I am not in a dark fog of despair anymore.

The hardest part is that it was pretty evident that I was not in a good place and after God brought me out of it, one of the brothers a couple of days later affirmed the other brother who does breakfast and lunch cooking with me for "always being positive with a good spirit while working".  That hurt as I try to always be walking in the joy of the Lord but at the same time I never want to be fake in my walk.  The couple of days I went through were some of the roughest I have ever been through but the peace that I have now is more than worth the pain.  I just wish people (including me) understood how words can and do hurt sometimes.

That's it for now as I really am going to head down to cook those eggs.

Thanks for "listening" :)

Tim and Becky

Today a friend of mine got married. He married a very sweet woman. The wedding itself is a miracle for them both.  I cried at the wedding because I met him when he thought he would be alone forever after the end of his first marriage.  Unlike me though his wife left him, even after he tried multiple times to make his marriage work.  I personally do not know his new wife that well but I do believe she honestly tried to make her first marriage work as well.

Two people. Two failed marriages. Two sets of heartbreak.

One day, a glance. A thought. A chance.....

Today....two people, one body, one soul, a new life.

Another friend of mine Tammy Perlmutter spoke at the wedding and what she said is more profound than I could begin to inscribe myself.  I hope she doesn't mind but here is what she said.

 Tim and Becky love and worship and serve a God who rescues, redeems, and restores. He longs for broken hearts to be mended, for the lonely to be set in families, and for our losses to become our blessings.

All of us here can remember a time when disappointment, and possibly even despair, threatened to draw the breath from our lungs, and the life from our hearts. Tim and Becky have both experienced crushing losses of their own.

When our dreams take a turn we have not imagined or intended–when our dreams go careening off a cliff–we have a God who keeps us from going with them. When our plans and purposes shatter before our eyes, lying at our feet in a crumpled heap, we have a God who restores the years the locusts have eaten, who raises up age-old foundations, repairs broken walls, draws families together.
In one of her sonnets, Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote, “God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.”

This short verse has never left me. It haunts me because I need to be reminded all the time that the dreams we cherish the most, the ones we hope for with desperate longing, are merely substitute shadows compared to the gifts God has reserved for us.

I need to remember that it is only when we accept our losses that we can we have hands and hearts that are ready to receive God’s gifts, good gifts he delights to give us and promises to us as his children. Tim, Becky, Lukas, Eben, and Noble have been given the gift of each other, and we, as family and friends, have the privilege to be here today and celebrate with them because “God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.”

Ryan O’Neal, the songwriter of Sleeping At Last wrote this in his song “Emphasis:”

Life is a gorgeous, broken gift.

Six billion pieces waiting to be fixed.

The sweetest thing I’ve ever heard

Is that I don’t have to have the answers,

Just a little light to call my own.

Though it pales in comparison

To the overarching shadows,

A speck of light can reignite the sun

And swallow darkness whole.

This is how we come to be fixed, to be healed, by joining together, gathering together, celebrating with joy, together.
Marriages founded on and rooted in the Holy Spirit are these simple specks of light in a bleak and shadowy world. This is exactly why we are here today. This wedding, this marriage, this mysterious communion of flesh and spirit, anchored in the heart of God himself, is that speck of light that can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole.
And that is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.

my only desire

So today is Saturday June 8th, 2013.  I'm sitting in the third floor West side living room.  I have been here since around 6:15pm on the internet. Checking email and watching YouTube videos and posting on FB.  I have a couple new Christian friends on FB and I watched a video on musicians selling their souls for music.  Every genre was talked about from Garth Brooks, to the Beatles, to Brittney Spears and Madonna, and Marlyn Manson.  I have heard these things before and then God convicts me and I throw away all my worldly music but then before I know it I compromise and then I back into again with cd's and such.

I am getting rid of all worldly music again and sticking with only praise and worship.  Which I am more than happy to do as my only goal in life is to be one hundred percent in the will of God.  That my every action, thought, word, deed, INTENTION will be pleasing to God.

I pray that Jesus will forgive me my sins, every single sin both known and unknown. I pray that His blood will wash me clean.  Every single atom, every single particle that is Kenneth Paul Maese.  Inside and outside, that I would be purified with holy fire, and washed completely with the blood of Yeshua.  That I would be a holy and annointed vessel for the Glory and honor of God the Father, Jesus the Christ (Yeshua), and the Holy Spirit. I pray that God will fill me to overflowing with the Holy Spirit. That I would manifest to overflowing onto everyone and everything around me the fruit of the Spirit.

Father, I need you.  I need you more than I need air, more than I need food, more than I need water, more than I need anything else in this world.  I need you. Completely and utterly Abba.  I need you.  I forsake and turn completely from ALL my sins Abba, I repent, and cry out to your for mercy Abba, for you alone can save me from death and destruction.  Without you Abba life is not just meaningless, it is despair and agony and sorrow.  Life is without hope without you Abba.  Please Father, cleanse me and help me for my sins are every before me.  My thoughts are constantly wicked and evil.  Yet, your mercy and love endure forever.  You are faithful and just to forgive those who call on your name, who completely forsake all their sins and turn to you and you alone.

Father, make me into the man of God you have called me to me, let me HATE sin as you hate sin, let me love goodness as you love goodness, let me be holy and you are holy.  I want my garments to be whiter than snow Abba, I want my face to shine after seeing your glory, I want to love like you are love, I want to be one with you Abba, to live with you, to love you, to never ever leave you no matter who or what.

Help me Abba, I give you everything that I have, everything.  I withhold NOTHING from you God, I give it to you freely Abba, please help me to have a complete hunger and thirst for your Holy Word and for prayer.

I love you Abba, I love you Yeshua, I love you Holy Spirit.

Amen.  ♥   ♥   ♥

Starting the Day with My God ♥

So today I woke up at 5am for work. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, got dressed.

Sat on my couch for a few minutes to get my head together before I headed off to work.

As I sat there I said "Good morning God ♥ "

Then I heard a still, small voice say "Read Psalm 168"

So I said "OK" and opened up my bible which was on the coffee table.

It was then that I saw that there were only 150 Psalms.... :/

So I started to say, "Um....God....."

Then I heard the still small voice say "No, read Psalm 16:8"

So I chuckled and found the verse.

Here is what I started my day with:

Psalm 16:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

8 I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

God is good..............always. ♥

A New Year

OK wow, its been at least two months since I have last blogged.  So much has happened. 

Well, not too much has happened but I do want to talk about what has transpired.  

So I am back at JPUSA  and gotten back into the swing of things as it were.  Back to the daily grind of cooking and team clean and such. 

About a week after I got back I got into a fight with mom over a misunderstanding, as she totally misread what I was saying.  I waited a couple of weeks then sent her a letter telling her how I felt about some things.  Then I called a couple of weeks later and things just got ugly so I waited a couple more weeks and called again and things remained ugly so we have not spoken since.

Then I got into an intense fight with a brother here at JPUSA and it hasnt even been a day and we are cool already.

Every bad fight I have had with someone here JPUSA has been resolved completely within 48 hours.

Forgiveness is a funny thing.  My mom had thrown in my face something that she had already forgiven me for.  She does that a lot.

She always says my dad is horrible for how he treats me but he doensn't say half the horrible things she says to me.

The bible is clear on forgiveness though and it does not matter what the other person does....forgives or doesn't forgive.  

I am to forgive.

Everytime, every one.

No execptions, no excuses. 

So I do.........BUT only because Jesus does it for me.

I know.....it's hard to explain but I do know this that on my own I could not forgive myself much less others so Jesus does it for me.  

At this point and time everyone who has ever hurt, offended, mistreated me is completely and utterly forgiven 100% no strings attached.

Only because Jesus the Christ is my Lord, Savior, and King can I do this.

I love you Yeshua, thank you for forgiving me and thank you for helping me forgive others.

That's it for now!  Happy New Year BTW.

Jesus is Lord!!!