Catching up

It's been awhile since I've blogged and since I'm here I might as well catch up on where I've been lately.

Since this is now August I am officially 49 years old since July 19th. Whew.  Just one year to enjoy my 40's and then I'm into my 50's. Trippy.

I'm still living at Jesus People though I have been transitioning for a couple months now. Shoot, small break while I call my mom.

No answer from my mom, went straight to vm so she's probably taking a nap or sleeping since she works a graveyard shift.

I just got a job at a call center taking calls for golf courses all over the county.  I start training tomorrow.  Pretty stoked since I've been looking for a job for over two months now.  Pretty soon I can hopefully get my own place or even find someone who needs a roommate in this area.  That might be cool too.

Also I've been scoring some music lately.  So far I have a flute solo, flute and oboe duet, flute and clarinet duet, and a small five piece chamber orchestra piece which consists of piano, violin, flute, clarinet and cello.

Right now I'm attempting to write a Christmas piece and score the song I wrote for my sister Melissa when I was a teenager.

I have been trying to write a book since I believe March of this year. I think I have something like 22 pagers or the like. It's been really slow going, especially when it comes to subjects that are very sensitive.

Still trying to get a divorce, but not any closer than before which is both frustrating and not so much.

The only reason I want this divorce is so that I can permanently close that "chapter" of my life and hopefully never remember it again. People may say that this "experience" will help me grow but I say my life is chock full of things that help me grow so I really don't need to keep remembering this particularly extremely painful time in my life to grow.  At least I think I've done all the growing I was supposed to from this time in my life.

I feel like doing some scoring now so I'm going to wrap this up.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

New Tired Life

A spur-of-the-moment-poem
Tired, worn out, scared
A new chapter for life, was the previous one death?
Adventure, zest, challenges galore
No. Stay in the rut, it's easier, it's the same.
Live for God, live for yourself, live for others
Does anyone honestly care beyond a few scattered mutters?
Take a step, dance a jig, sing a new song
fall down without knowing if you will be able to stand once again.
He's got friends, he's got support they all think
without knowing he's alone, only words on a screen to comfort and care.
So?
The ball is rolling, I will not look back.
Time to move on, for better or worse, those words are haunting
No longer young, not old enough to die, just here
Good times may soon be here, new friends, new love, new lease on life.

new song lyrics?

I was Too Weak by Kenneth Maese

I'm sorry that I let you down 

I'm sorry that I didn't think 

I'm never sure how I really sound 

I'm not sure if I'm broke or it's just a kink 

in my soul 

in my mind 

in my heart 

in my life......... 

I was too weak

to know how to stand on my own 

I was too weak  

to take control of my own life 

I let it beat me down 

The choices that I made 

were all I knew 

though I tried to understand 

I was too weak 

Now life has begun to pass me by 

I think of where I've been 

all those years that have slipped away 

bridges burned no return 

it started when I lost my innocence  

my world, my life, my choice 

all alone in the dark of the night 

I try to cry though no tears form 

an empty echo within my barren chest 

I have a beautiful family 

my children run to me happily 

they cry daddy as they leap into my arms 

the love of my life is standing near 

just when I can't be any happier 

I wake to find I'm all alone 

it's just a dream 

it's just a dream 

it's just a dream 

I never want to wake from

unwritten blogs

As you may have noticed, I don't blog nearly half as much as I say I will.  I have always wondered why that is.  I think I may have the answer though.

Maybe not.

As I was going to type my thoughts my mind was instantly flooded with voices of people saying things like "You're over thinking"  and "It's all in your head"  and similar things.

I just started this post but already I'm discouraged and will be stopping due to multiple error messages that keep popping up.

Sigh.

Until next time.

Dead

Silence fills the empty space,
light and warmth have fled.
voices from the past
argue in my head
refusing to allow peace in.
I listen as they shout
condemnation is what they serve
my tears are my bitter drink.
In the distance I hear a knock
it's faint and it barely registers
to my ears or heart.
I long to go to see who would knock
If at long last relief has arrived.
The silence presses me back
I can not rise I can not walk
I can not think I can not breathe
I can not
live. 

Blogging and Other Undone Moments

I can't speak for anyone else but myself. Should be obvious, yet most times the obvious must be stated. Even then the capacity for misunderstanding is great. Still to not clarify or at least attempt to clarify oneself would result in even greater confusion.

The problem that I find with myself is not that I lack any semblance of intelligence, though I once thought myself stupid. Still do on occasion, however, I with God's help have been learning to cut myself some slack more and more. It's not like I don't have anything to say. Quite the contrary, I have a lot to share given my proclivity for reclusive tendencies. I can't begin to count how may sermons, talks, blogs, shares, twitters, status updates, poems, lyrics, bass lines, guitar lines, the beginning of books that I have had in my head, only to fail to get them down on paper or computer.

I am at a loss for why this is.  Even the rare times when I do sit down to write out thoughts, they often come quicker than I can write or type and then the begin to jumble like they are trying to all pour out of a huge container that has a small bottle neck opening.  No, that's not it. It's more like a huge container that allows everything to spill out all at once and thus some of the contents end up on the floor....forever wasted....gone.  Try as I might it would be like trying to pick up water off the floor with your bare hands.  You're hands may get wet but the small amount of water can not quench your thirst.

I actually came online for the purpose of talking about this and my health. I can not even begin to explain my body. So I will just type what I know.

I have allergies, like most people.  My eyes water and turn red, my left eye more so than my right eye. I get sinus headaches which are a complete bummer and too often I have more excess mucas than I care for.  I have diagnosed with diabetes for several years now but rarely beyond the occasional pill do anything for it. Which is slowly catching up with me.  Four months ago I was told I needed reading glasses for near sightedness even though my far sightedness vision was becoming more of a blurry daily  occurrence. Today I was watching a movie alone in my room when I had to use the bathroom. As I was pondering the topics of this blog I noticed my vision was blurred. Not just writing but everything.  I sat at my computer and saw the same thing. Blurry.  Suspecting something I did not want to acknowledge I put on my glasses and went to the bathroom.  Sure enough.  Without glasses...blurry. With glasses...fine.  Sigh.  I may need to wear them more than I had thought or was told.  A friend had said that the more you wear glasses the worse your eyes become. I wonder if I don't wear them at all would the reverse be true.  You really don't have to answer that, I know it's just wishful thinking.

Here's the truly remarkable thing about my body....my life.....

I have survived four suicide attempts, drinking beyond excess that should have given me alcohol poising, hard core drugs and just blatant stupidity including having unprotected sex with more strangers than I care to admit and one guy who had full blown AIDS.  The guy with AIDS happened in 1998 and since then I was tested for HIV in 2002 and was negative and again just four months ago and am still HIV negative.

You can not tell me there is no God and that it is only His grace and mercy that have kept me safe.  Even as I write this it seems from a certain point of view to be shallow and trite as there are many people who are living with AIDS and HIV......does that mean God's grace and mercy isn't extended to them as well?

I do not know.

I don't.

I think I've said all that I wanted to say for today. I'm going to get back to my movie.

Thanks for your time. Oh, I got an awesomely, wonderful text from my sister Melissa today.  I'm still riding on the cloud of love. <3

The Walk

Through my life the steps that I've taken
on freshly cut grass so gentle and fragrant
soft, green blades pushing up against my feet
between my toes, reaching up to tickle my ankles
I stop and wonder, pausing to take in the moment
I delight in the newness as the silkiness touches
for a moment and then it's gone.


My feet have also walked upon shattered glass
and rocks jaded and sharp scattered
by both chance and enemies of my heart
my first journey across this wasteland
dropped me to my knees
caused my heart to stumble
fear became an ever present companion


Closed up in myself withdrawn and afraid
I will not hurt, I will not be hurt
I will travel on the indifferent sands
of complacency numbly taking each step
unaware, not hearing, not seeing
no soft green grass, nor shattered glass
just endless will draining sand.


I've lived much longer than I thought I would
I done things and said things that cause regret
in my bed alone at night, I speak with God
He alone can hold me so I no longer shake
His words are comfort, He forgives me again
His love is never withheld, it is why I go on
to walk on the grass, the glass, the sand.